The Ugly Volvo

Old Posts

  • Filing for Reimbursement of Time Spent Folding Laundry

    Hi, I’d like to submit my yearly hours of time spent folding laundry—mine, my sons’ and the communal laundry (sheets, towels, and occasionally the sofa cover)—for reimbursement.  I am not looking for monetary reimbursement, I would specifically like to be reimbursed in time spent.  As we’ve recently gone paperless, please notify me via e-mail when…

  • An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog From “Go Dog, Go”

    Dear female hat-wearing dog, I bought your book to help my son learn prepositions and adjectives and was, from the first read, inexorably drawn in by your heart-wrenching struggle for approval.  Momentarily distracted by the humdrum parade of big dogs, little dogs, black and white dogs, I watched as you walked in, brimming with joy…

  • Yelp Reviews of Newborn Babies

    We obsessively check online reviews to see if a movie is worth seeing or a restaurant is worth visiting.  If anyone was considering having a newborn baby and wanted to read the Yelp reviews first, here they are. *              *               * If…

  • All of my Issues With the “Goodnight Moon” Bedroom

    I’ve read Goodnight Moon almost every night for the past two years.  It’s a wonderful book which my son enjoys.  Here are some of my issues with the bedroom depicted in it. 1.  The Size of the Bedroom This bedroom is enormous.  There is no one, I think, who has not noticed this.  As someone…

  • Reasonably Good Advice Written on Bananas

    My mother used to write on my bananas.  It is one of those weird things I remember about my school lunches.  I remember that she would always pack me a Red Delicious apple (which I would promptly throw in the garbage because Red Delicious apples taste, if I am being generous, like damp cardboard) and I…

  • What All The Other Parents Are Doing During The Day

    The first few months staying home with my kid were hard because being alone all the time is rough.  And people would point out, “But you’re not alone!  You have that baby!” except that having a baby is not the same thing as having another adult person around with whom you can have an actual conversation.  You…

  • Why You Should Never, Ever, Ever Get A Tattoo (but Having a Baby is Fine)

    I’m not super pro-tattoo or anti-tattoo.  I’ve debated getting one in the past but never that seriously.  But my mother is vehemently anti-tattoo.  Listed below are the reasons my mother has always given me for why I shouldn’t get a tattoo. And I understand that she’s from a different generation.  And I love my mother very much.…

  • An Open Letter to My Dog After the Birth of my First Child

    Dear Tig, Here’s a list of things for which I want to apologize: 1.  I’m sorry for every time I loop your leash around the doorknob and hurriedly say, “Two minutes!  I’m going to take you outside in two minutes!”  Because I am not going to do that.  You know, as you watch me struggling…

  • Parenting Olympics

    For those of you angry that having a child prevented you from qualifying for the Rio 2016 Olympics, remember that while you may be losing at international sports competitions, you’re still in the running for a few other medals: Event 1: To level the playing field, this event is divided into multiple weightclasses: Newborn Infant…

  • What I Do All Day When I Am Home With The Baby

    I am, for now, a stay at home mother. People sometimes ask what exactly I do during the day and I never have any idea what to say. Below is a fairly accurate description of most of the things I do on any given day. To save time, repetitive actions like changing diapers and feeding…

  • A Breakdown of your Child’s Eating Patterns

    (Click graphs to enlarge.) *               *               * SEVEN STARS FARM ORGANIC PLAIN WHOLE MILK YOGURT *               *               * ORGANIC ROASTED BEETS *               *               * TRADER JOE’S BRAND CHEERIOS *               *               * PEAS FROM LOCAL FARMER’S MARKET (ALSO ORGANIC) *               *               * WHATEVER YOU WERE EATING *               *               * COOKIE/CUPCAKE/CHOCOLATE/ANYTHING CONTAINING REFINED SUGAR *          *          *…

  • A Ten-Month-Old’s Letter To Santa

    Dear Santa,  I am a ten-month-old baby and I write because my mother has been sending out my “Christmas List” to people, and her list does not in any way represent the things I really want.  I could give two s#*ts about receiving stacking cups. And I know you’re ready to make the joke about…

  • The Amazing Butternut Squash Soup Recipe That Everyone Should Make At Least Once

    Love butternut squash soup?  Looking for that amazing recipe that everyone on earth seems to have?  Look no further!  Follow the instructions below for soup so delicious it’ll change the way you look at fall! *               *               * Step 1.  Buy one or two mid-sized organic butternut squash from your local farmer’s market.  Look for…

  • The Nine Hundred Dollar iPhone Photo

    I’m not going to say that we flew down to Florida to get a picture, because we didn’t.  We flew down to Florida to see my grandfather, who is 94-years-old and my son’s only living great-grandparent.  All my own great-grandparents passed away long before I was born, as did my husband’s great-grandparents.  So I’m not…

  • 10 Quick, Easy Meals for Moms!

    So I signed up to have a kid and even that, really, did I have any idea what I was signing up for?  Of course not.  No one does.  But I am doing it.   I will put in a lot of time to help my kid learn how to be a good person.  BUT, I…

  • A Baby Book of Disasters

    So I have this baby book for my son that I use to record his milestones, and it is boring.  It is so, so boring.  Half the time I don’t even remember to write things down when they happen because I am so wholly uninterested in recording things for this stupid book.  “Today he rolled…

  • Oh, he looks “JUST LIKE YOU”

    When the baby was only a month or so old everyone kept saying, “Oh wow, he looks like your husband.  He looks so much like your husband!”  And now he is six months old and at a family gathering the other day I had at least 10 people say that he looked exactly like me.…

  • Having A Baby Solved All My Problems

    Having a baby solved all my problems. All of them. A year ago I was just like every other slightly anxious cardigan-wearing woman in her early thirties, wondering if my life was on the right track. I was nervous about money, about my relationship, about my job. I needed a quick, easy fix—something simple I…

  • On Being Pregnant

    I told someone today that I was pregnant and the person said, “Congratulations!” and I politely nodded and continued eating.  And they said, “That’s so exciting.  Are you excited?” and I said, “Yes, sort of,” the way you might respond if someone congratulated you on landing a brand new job that was much more stressful…

  • Elevator Buttons That Should Be Really Low Down Where Kids Can Reach Them

    I was recently in an elevator with my three-year-old son and I became worried that, being only three years of age, he wouldn’t be able (if needed) to reach either the elevator button summoning the fire department or the one that sets off the ear-splitting alarm bell.  LUCKILY, thanks to someone with a keen instinct…

  • 10 Unique Baby Names So Adorable You’ll Want to Have Another Kid Just to Use One

    Of all the many things you’ll give your child over his or her lifetime, the first is one of the most lasting– their name.  So many parents spend hours trying to find a perfect, unique name, only to find that by the time their child is a toddler, the once-perfect name has become ubiquitous.  If you’re…

  • Things You SWORE You’d Never Do If You Became a Parent (BUT THAT YOU’RE TOTALLY GOING TO DO)

    So regardless of whether you have or even want kids, you have vague ideas about what you’d be like as a parent.  We ALL had ideas about what we’d be like as parents and most of those ideas were about how we’d be a thousand times better than the idiots we saw walking around being…

  • Must Read Books for (Some) Parents!!!

    I have never been totally certain what I wanted to do with myself except that I obviously wanted to read.  When I was young and people would ask me to describe my “dream house” I remember enthusiastically listing all the things I would want if I had a house someday—a window seat and a fireplace. …

  • (What Actually Happened) On The Night You Were Born

    My son has this beautiful book called “On the Night You Were Born.”  The illustrations are surreal but simple images of animals and plants and the night sky.  The rhymes are sweet.  The entire book is to tell the child how much they are loved and cared about and how on the night they were…

  • What to do if it Turns Out Your Child is Actually a Surreal James Franco Performance Piece

    So your young child does something totally and completely out of character– says something he would never say, or does something she knows full well she is not supposed to do.  Of course, your first thought is to go: “Please let me hide under a blanket for eternity so I do not have to take…

  • Games to Play With Your Child in Which You Barely Have to Move or Talk

    I see a lot of ideas online for things to do with your child, but most of them are a lot of work.  Many of them involve an unnerving amount of craftiness and/or require going out to buy things.  Almost all of them involve moving around which, many days, is fine, but some days can be pretty…

  • A Two Year (And Ten-Month-Old’s) Letter to Santa

    Dear Santa, I posted my Christmas list a few years ago and by “a few” I mean “two years ago” because that’s more or less the entirety of how long I have been alive. Things have changed.  I remember being so positive that all I wanted was a set of cold, metallic car keys to put…

  • Black Friday Picks From The Dr. Seuss Online Holiday Catalog

    Congratulations!  Today is your day!  You’re off to great websites!  You’re off and away! You’ve got brains in your head.  You’ve got eyes in your face. You’ll decide what you want and what orders to place!  You’re on your own and the limit’s the sky!  And YOU are the one who’ll decide what you’ll buy. Would you?  Could…