The Ugly Volvo

Old Posts

  • An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog From “Go Dog, Go”

    Dear female hat-wearing dog, I bought your book to help my son learn prepositions and adjectives and was, from the first read, inexorably drawn in by your heart-wrenching struggle for approval.  Momentarily distracted by the humdrum parade of big dogs, little dogs, black and white dogs, I watched as you walked in, brimming with joy…

  • Filing for Reimbursement of Time Spent Folding Laundry

    Hi, I’d like to submit my yearly hours of time spent folding laundry—mine, my sons’ and the communal laundry (sheets, towels, and occasionally the sofa cover)—for reimbursement.  I am not looking for monetary reimbursement, I would specifically like to be reimbursed in time spent.  As we’ve recently gone paperless, please notify me via e-mail when…

  • Yelp Reviews of Newborn Babies

    We obsessively check online reviews to see if a movie is worth seeing or a restaurant is worth visiting.  If anyone was considering having a newborn baby and wanted to read the Yelp reviews first, here they are. *              *               * If…

  • All of my Issues With the “Goodnight Moon” Bedroom

    I’ve read Goodnight Moon almost every night for the past two years.  It’s a wonderful book which my son enjoys.  Here are some of my issues with the bedroom depicted in it. 1.  The Size of the Bedroom This bedroom is enormous.  There is no one, I think, who has not noticed this.  As someone…

  • Reasonably Good Advice Written on Bananas

    My mother used to write on my bananas.  It is one of those weird things I remember about my school lunches.  I remember that she would always pack me a Red Delicious apple (which I would promptly throw in the garbage because Red Delicious apples taste, if I am being generous, like damp cardboard) and I…

  • What All The Other Parents Are Doing During The Day

    The first few months staying home with my kid were hard because being alone all the time is rough.  And people would point out, “But you’re not alone!  You have that baby!” except that having a baby is not the same thing as having another adult person around with whom you can have an actual conversation.  You…

  • Why You Should Never, Ever, Ever Get A Tattoo (but Having a Baby is Fine)

    I’m not super pro-tattoo or anti-tattoo.  I’ve debated getting one in the past but never that seriously.  But my mother is vehemently anti-tattoo.  Listed below are the reasons my mother has always given me for why I shouldn’t get a tattoo. And I understand that she’s from a different generation.  And I love my mother very much.…

  • An Open Letter to My Dog After the Birth of my First Child

    Dear Tig, Here’s a list of things for which I want to apologize: 1.  I’m sorry for every time I loop your leash around the doorknob and hurriedly say, “Two minutes!  I’m going to take you outside in two minutes!”  Because I am not going to do that.  You know, as you watch me struggling…

  • Parenting Olympics

    For those of you angry that having a child prevented you from qualifying for the Rio 2016 Olympics, remember that while you may be losing at international sports competitions, you’re still in the running for a few other medals: Event 1: To level the playing field, this event is divided into multiple weightclasses: Newborn Infant…

  • What I Do All Day When I Am Home With The Baby

    I am, for now, a stay at home mother. People sometimes ask what exactly I do during the day and I never have any idea what to say. Below is a fairly accurate description of most of the things I do on any given day. To save time, repetitive actions like changing diapers and feeding…

  • A Breakdown of your Child’s Eating Patterns

    (Click graphs to enlarge.) *               *               * SEVEN STARS FARM ORGANIC PLAIN WHOLE MILK YOGURT *               *               * ORGANIC ROASTED BEETS *               *               * TRADER JOE’S BRAND CHEERIOS *               *               * PEAS FROM LOCAL FARMER’S MARKET (ALSO ORGANIC) *               *               * WHATEVER YOU WERE EATING *               *               * COOKIE/CUPCAKE/CHOCOLATE/ANYTHING CONTAINING REFINED SUGAR *          *          *…

  • A Ten-Month-Old’s Letter To Santa

    Dear Santa,  I am a ten-month-old baby and I write because my mother has been sending out my “Christmas List” to people, and her list does not in any way represent the things I really want.  I could give two s#*ts about receiving stacking cups. And I know you’re ready to make the joke about…

  • The Amazing Butternut Squash Soup Recipe That Everyone Should Make At Least Once

    Love butternut squash soup?  Looking for that amazing recipe that everyone on earth seems to have?  Look no further!  Follow the instructions below for soup so delicious it’ll change the way you look at fall! *               *               * Step 1.  Buy one or two mid-sized organic butternut squash from your local farmer’s market.  Look for…

  • The Nine Hundred Dollar iPhone Photo

    I’m not going to say that we flew down to Florida to get a picture, because we didn’t.  We flew down to Florida to see my grandfather, who is 94-years-old and my son’s only living great-grandparent.  All my own great-grandparents passed away long before I was born, as did my husband’s great-grandparents.  So I’m not…

  • 10 Quick, Easy Meals for Moms!

    So I signed up to have a kid and even that, really, did I have any idea what I was signing up for?  Of course not.  No one does.  But I am doing it.   I will put in a lot of time to help my kid learn how to be a good person.  BUT, I…

  • A Baby Book of Disasters

    So I have this baby book for my son that I use to record his milestones, and it is boring.  It is so, so boring.  Half the time I don’t even remember to write things down when they happen because I am so wholly uninterested in recording things for this stupid book.  “Today he rolled…

  • Oh, he looks “JUST LIKE YOU”

    When the baby was only a month or so old everyone kept saying, “Oh wow, he looks like your husband.  He looks so much like your husband!”  And now he is six months old and at a family gathering the other day I had at least 10 people say that he looked exactly like me.…

  • Having A Baby Solved All My Problems

    Having a baby solved all my problems. All of them. A year ago I was just like every other slightly anxious cardigan-wearing woman in her early thirties, wondering if my life was on the right track. I was nervous about money, about my relationship, about my job. I needed a quick, easy fix—something simple I…

  • Amazing Mason Jar Ideas For People Who Are Totally Sick of Mason Jars

    Your Pinterest account is beating you over the head with “Creative things you can make using mason jars!” but you are tired of mason jars.  You’re not interested in making them into soap dispensers or light fixtures or cups because you already own all those things and do not need new, “mason jar versions” of…

  • The Museum of Things I’m Absolutely Going to Get To Eventually

    Hi, and welcome to the Museum of Things I’m Absolutely Going to Get To Eventually.  If some of the exhibits make you uncomfortable, do not worry, I am absolutely going to get to all of this stuff eventually!  I really am.  Really!  If you haven’t been here before, let me give you a quick rundown…

  • The Difficulties of Trying for a Second Child

    Attempt 1: Man:  “Hello!  Don’t you look ravishing this evening!  Would you care to join me in the bedroom and make a second child?” Woman:  Thank you for the compliment!  Unfortunately I worked an 8-hour day and then spent two hours at home entertaining a two-year-old and unloading the dishwasher.  I am not in the…

  • What I Look At While My Son Falls Asleep

    My son is three years old and each night I rock him to sleep.  He grabs a bunch of small blankets from his crib and climbs onto my lap, or what is left of my lap, now that I am almost seven months pregnant with yet another kid that will need to be rocked to…

  • A Brief Conversation in Which I Sheepishly Ask For Help

    ME:  I need you to watch the kid today.  Possibly all day. HIM:  You hate when I watch him. ME:  I know, but I feel awful.  I have a fever.  I’m tired and I’m in a lot of pain.  I really need you to do it today. HIM:  Literally every time I spend a day…

  • 10 Things You Absolutely Need When Bringing Home a Newborn Juxtaposed With Images of Things You Will Probably Not Need

    One of the most overwhelming things about having a baby is not having any idea what it is going to need.  And everyone is different so, on some level, everyone will feel like they need different things. As someone who has gone through this whole ordeal fairly recently, there are some things that are totally non-negotiable when bringing…

  • A Note To My Son About Our Vacation to the Grand Canyon

      There’s a place I used to go before I had a kid—the place you go in your head when you look at the Grand Canyon or a beautiful cathedral.  The place you go when you are just quietly thinking and taking everything in.  To go to that place means to be swept away by…

  • 12 Innocuous Household Items My Son has Turned Into Weapons

    Hi!  I’m not a violent person!  As a kid I had a bunch of NERF arrows and water guns and would sometimes play Little House on the Prairie using an old plastic hockey stick as a hunting rifle.  My son, also not a violent person, is a totally wonderful, sweet kid who, when given a Spiderman mask as a…

  • What Career Will Your Child Have After The Inevitable Fall of Civilization??

    You know your child’s personality well enough– they might be outgoing, introverted, athletic, talkative, scheming, determined, artistic, kind.  You have your eye on what careers you think might interest them.  But what will happen if those careers cease to exist and society reverts into a confusing, Hunger Games-style oligarchy?  Like parenting didn’t have enough headaches, right??  Ugh! Below are ten…