The Ugly Volvo

Old Posts

  • Yelp Reviews of Newborn Babies

    We obsessively check online reviews to see if a movie is worth seeing or a restaurant is worth visiting.  If anyone was considering having a newborn baby and wanted to read the Yelp reviews first, here they are. *              *               * If…

  • All of my Issues With the “Goodnight Moon” Bedroom

    I’ve read Goodnight Moon almost every night for the past two years.  It’s a wonderful book which my son enjoys.  Here are some of my issues with the bedroom depicted in it. 1.  The Size of the Bedroom This bedroom is enormous.  There is no one, I think, who has not noticed this.  As someone…

  • Filing for Reimbursement of Time Spent Folding Laundry

    Hi, I’d like to submit my yearly hours of time spent folding laundry—mine, my sons’ and the communal laundry (sheets, towels, and occasionally the sofa cover)—for reimbursement.  I am not looking for monetary reimbursement, I would specifically like to be reimbursed in time spent.  As we’ve recently gone paperless, please notify me via e-mail when…

  • An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog From “Go Dog, Go”

    Dear female hat-wearing dog, I bought your book to help my son learn prepositions and adjectives and was, from the first read, inexorably drawn in by your heart-wrenching struggle for approval.  Momentarily distracted by the humdrum parade of big dogs, little dogs, black and white dogs, I watched as you walked in, brimming with joy…

  • Reasonably Good Advice Written on Bananas

    My mother used to write on my bananas.  It is one of those weird things I remember about my school lunches.  I remember that she would always pack me a Red Delicious apple (which I would promptly throw in the garbage because Red Delicious apples taste, if I am being generous, like damp cardboard) and I…

  • What All The Other Parents Are Doing During The Day

    The first few months staying home with my kid were hard because being alone all the time is rough.  And people would point out, “But you’re not alone!  You have that baby!” except that having a baby is not the same thing as having another adult person around with whom you can have an actual conversation.  You…

  • Why You Should Never, Ever, Ever Get A Tattoo (but Having a Baby is Fine)

    I’m not super pro-tattoo or anti-tattoo.  I’ve debated getting one in the past but never that seriously.  But my mother is vehemently anti-tattoo.  Listed below are the reasons my mother has always given me for why I shouldn’t get a tattoo. And I understand that she’s from a different generation.  And I love my mother very much.…

  • An Open Letter to My Dog After the Birth of my First Child

    Dear Tig, Here’s a list of things for which I want to apologize: 1.  I’m sorry for every time I loop your leash around the doorknob and hurriedly say, “Two minutes!  I’m going to take you outside in two minutes!”  Because I am not going to do that.  You know, as you watch me struggling…

  • Parenting Olympics

    For those of you angry that having a child prevented you from qualifying for the Rio 2016 Olympics, remember that while you may be losing at international sports competitions, you’re still in the running for a few other medals: Event 1: To level the playing field, this event is divided into multiple weightclasses: Newborn Infant…

  • What I Do All Day When I Am Home With The Baby

    I am, for now, a stay at home mother. People sometimes ask what exactly I do during the day and I never have any idea what to say. Below is a fairly accurate description of most of the things I do on any given day. To save time, repetitive actions like changing diapers and feeding…

  • A Breakdown of your Child’s Eating Patterns

    (Click graphs to enlarge.) *               *               * SEVEN STARS FARM ORGANIC PLAIN WHOLE MILK YOGURT *               *               * ORGANIC ROASTED BEETS *               *               * TRADER JOE’S BRAND CHEERIOS *               *               * PEAS FROM LOCAL FARMER’S MARKET (ALSO ORGANIC) *               *               * WHATEVER YOU WERE EATING *               *               * COOKIE/CUPCAKE/CHOCOLATE/ANYTHING CONTAINING REFINED SUGAR *          *          *…

  • A Ten-Month-Old’s Letter To Santa

    Dear Santa,  I am a ten-month-old baby and I write because my mother has been sending out my “Christmas List” to people, and her list does not in any way represent the things I really want.  I could give two s#*ts about receiving stacking cups. And I know you’re ready to make the joke about…

  • The Amazing Butternut Squash Soup Recipe That Everyone Should Make At Least Once

    Love butternut squash soup?  Looking for that amazing recipe that everyone on earth seems to have?  Look no further!  Follow the instructions below for soup so delicious it’ll change the way you look at fall! *               *               * Step 1.  Buy one or two mid-sized organic butternut squash from your local farmer’s market.  Look for…

  • The Nine Hundred Dollar iPhone Photo

    I’m not going to say that we flew down to Florida to get a picture, because we didn’t.  We flew down to Florida to see my grandfather, who is 94-years-old and my son’s only living great-grandparent.  All my own great-grandparents passed away long before I was born, as did my husband’s great-grandparents.  So I’m not…

  • 10 Quick, Easy Meals for Moms!

    So I signed up to have a kid and even that, really, did I have any idea what I was signing up for?  Of course not.  No one does.  But I am doing it.   I will put in a lot of time to help my kid learn how to be a good person.  BUT, I…

  • A Baby Book of Disasters

    So I have this baby book for my son that I use to record his milestones, and it is boring.  It is so, so boring.  Half the time I don’t even remember to write things down when they happen because I am so wholly uninterested in recording things for this stupid book.  “Today he rolled…

  • Oh, he looks “JUST LIKE YOU”

    When the baby was only a month or so old everyone kept saying, “Oh wow, he looks like your husband.  He looks so much like your husband!”  And now he is six months old and at a family gathering the other day I had at least 10 people say that he looked exactly like me.…

  • Having A Baby Solved All My Problems

    Having a baby solved all my problems. All of them. A year ago I was just like every other slightly anxious cardigan-wearing woman in her early thirties, wondering if my life was on the right track. I was nervous about money, about my relationship, about my job. I needed a quick, easy fix—something simple I…

  • Enjoy it. Because it Goes So Fast. (In Illustrations)

    My kid is still very young.  Often veteran mothers will get that dreamy, far-away look in their eyes and tell me to enjoy this time with my little one because it goes so fast.  And I nod and half-agree with them.  Yes, it does, sometimes.  There are parts of it that are already going way…

  • Things I Thought I’d Get Done While Someone Else Was Watching the Baby

    I am lucky enough (and please know that I am fully aware of how lucky I am) that my parents live sort of nearby and are willing to take the baby for a long weekend every few months.  This is wonderful because I am always working on a bunch of projects and trying to get work…

  • To Whomever Keeps Switching My Kids When I’m Not Looking

    The first time you did it I was ok with it. It had been a long 40 weeks and after a rough labor I had given birth to what appeared to be a naked, nine pound version of Rupert Murdoch.  Something shriveled and bald that couldn’t see more than six inches in front of its…

  • 41 Crafty Ideas for When You’re Trapped Indoors With a Young Child

    Winter.  When I was a child it was the season to either play and frolic in the snow or sit inside and neurotically pick at your scabs.  Nowadays the internet is awash with interesting things for you and your kids to do while trapped in the house.  If your child has exhausted interest in all his…

  • A Valentine From Your Toddler (Interpreted)

    February 14th is right around the corner.  Didn’t get a valentine from your kiddo because he’s too young to give you one?  That’s what you think.  Using a little imagination (and sometimes a pair of scissors), you’ll realize that he’s been leaving you valentines for months.  Here are just a few of them, interpreted for you.…

  • The Looney Tunes Character That Is Most Like Having a Toddler

    Most Looney Tunes characters are a lot like young children.  Raising a child is like living in a particularly harebrained animated short in which things are constantly falling off high ledges, busting through walls or exploding. I would be completely unsurprised to learn that Chuck Jones and Mel Blank based the cartoons on their true life…

  • Toddler Course Catalog: Spring 2015

    Following is our course schedule for the spring 2015 semester.  If you are approaching two years of age, talk to your guidance counselor about how to register. Pants and How Not to Wear Them This beginner-level class takes you through the steps of why your parents insist on your wearing pants (something about social norms…

  • True Parenting Stories: “I Have a Toddler and Yet Somehow Found Time to Read a 14-Page-Long New Yorker Article”

    So firstly, to clarify, I feel like other people with toddlers are going to narrow their eyes and go, “What did you mean by “read an article?  Like skimmed?  Like read all the captions underneath all the photographs and got the gist of it?”  And here I am blushing as I tell you that no—I…