The Ugly Volvo

Old Posts

  • Reasonably Good Advice Written on Bananas

    My mother used to write on my bananas.  It is one of those weird things I remember about my school lunches.  I remember that she would always pack me a Red Delicious apple (which I would promptly throw in the garbage because Red Delicious apples taste, if I am being generous, like damp cardboard) and I…

  • What All The Other Parents Are Doing During The Day

    The first few months staying home with my kid were hard because being alone all the time is rough.  And people would point out, “But you’re not alone!  You have that baby!” except that having a baby is not the same thing as having another adult person around with whom you can have an actual conversation.  You…

  • Filing for Reimbursement of Time Spent Folding Laundry

    Hi, I’d like to submit my yearly hours of time spent folding laundry—mine, my sons’ and the communal laundry (sheets, towels, and occasionally the sofa cover)—for reimbursement.  I am not looking for monetary reimbursement, I would specifically like to be reimbursed in time spent.  As we’ve recently gone paperless, please notify me via e-mail when…

  • An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog From “Go Dog, Go”

    Dear female hat-wearing dog, I bought your book to help my son learn prepositions and adjectives and was, from the first read, inexorably drawn in by your heart-wrenching struggle for approval.  Momentarily distracted by the humdrum parade of big dogs, little dogs, black and white dogs, I watched as you walked in, brimming with joy…

  • Yelp Reviews of Newborn Babies

    We obsessively check online reviews to see if a movie is worth seeing or a restaurant is worth visiting.  If anyone was considering having a newborn baby and wanted to read the Yelp reviews first, here they are. *              *               * If…

  • All of my Issues With the “Goodnight Moon” Bedroom

    I’ve read Goodnight Moon almost every night for the past two years.  It’s a wonderful book which my son enjoys.  Here are some of my issues with the bedroom depicted in it. 1.  The Size of the Bedroom This bedroom is enormous.  There is no one, I think, who has not noticed this.  As someone…

  • Why You Should Never, Ever, Ever Get A Tattoo (but Having a Baby is Fine)

    I’m not super pro-tattoo or anti-tattoo.  I’ve debated getting one in the past but never that seriously.  But my mother is vehemently anti-tattoo.  Listed below are the reasons my mother has always given me for why I shouldn’t get a tattoo. And I understand that she’s from a different generation.  And I love my mother very much.…

  • An Open Letter to My Dog After the Birth of my First Child

    Dear Tig, Here’s a list of things for which I want to apologize: 1.  I’m sorry for every time I loop your leash around the doorknob and hurriedly say, “Two minutes!  I’m going to take you outside in two minutes!”  Because I am not going to do that.  You know, as you watch me struggling…

  • Parenting Olympics

    For those of you angry that having a child prevented you from qualifying for the Rio 2016 Olympics, remember that while you may be losing at international sports competitions, you’re still in the running for a few other medals: Event 1: To level the playing field, this event is divided into multiple weightclasses: Newborn Infant…

  • What I Do All Day When I Am Home With The Baby

    I am, for now, a stay at home mother. People sometimes ask what exactly I do during the day and I never have any idea what to say. Below is a fairly accurate description of most of the things I do on any given day. To save time, repetitive actions like changing diapers and feeding…

  • A Breakdown of your Child’s Eating Patterns

    (Click graphs to enlarge.) *               *               * SEVEN STARS FARM ORGANIC PLAIN WHOLE MILK YOGURT *               *               * ORGANIC ROASTED BEETS *               *               * TRADER JOE’S BRAND CHEERIOS *               *               * PEAS FROM LOCAL FARMER’S MARKET (ALSO ORGANIC) *               *               * WHATEVER YOU WERE EATING *               *               * COOKIE/CUPCAKE/CHOCOLATE/ANYTHING CONTAINING REFINED SUGAR *          *          *…

  • A Ten-Month-Old’s Letter To Santa

    Dear Santa,  I am a ten-month-old baby and I write because my mother has been sending out my “Christmas List” to people, and her list does not in any way represent the things I really want.  I could give two s#*ts about receiving stacking cups. And I know you’re ready to make the joke about…

  • The Amazing Butternut Squash Soup Recipe That Everyone Should Make At Least Once

    Love butternut squash soup?  Looking for that amazing recipe that everyone on earth seems to have?  Look no further!  Follow the instructions below for soup so delicious it’ll change the way you look at fall! *               *               * Step 1.  Buy one or two mid-sized organic butternut squash from your local farmer’s market.  Look for…

  • The Nine Hundred Dollar iPhone Photo

    I’m not going to say that we flew down to Florida to get a picture, because we didn’t.  We flew down to Florida to see my grandfather, who is 94-years-old and my son’s only living great-grandparent.  All my own great-grandparents passed away long before I was born, as did my husband’s great-grandparents.  So I’m not…

  • 10 Quick, Easy Meals for Moms!

    So I signed up to have a kid and even that, really, did I have any idea what I was signing up for?  Of course not.  No one does.  But I am doing it.   I will put in a lot of time to help my kid learn how to be a good person.  BUT, I…

  • A Baby Book of Disasters

    So I have this baby book for my son that I use to record his milestones, and it is boring.  It is so, so boring.  Half the time I don’t even remember to write things down when they happen because I am so wholly uninterested in recording things for this stupid book.  “Today he rolled…

  • Oh, he looks “JUST LIKE YOU”

    When the baby was only a month or so old everyone kept saying, “Oh wow, he looks like your husband.  He looks so much like your husband!”  And now he is six months old and at a family gathering the other day I had at least 10 people say that he looked exactly like me.…

  • Having A Baby Solved All My Problems

    Having a baby solved all my problems. All of them. A year ago I was just like every other slightly anxious cardigan-wearing woman in her early thirties, wondering if my life was on the right track. I was nervous about money, about my relationship, about my job. I needed a quick, easy fix—something simple I…

  • 7 Laps That Make About as Much Sense as Santa’s

    Mall Santas are a weird tradition.  You take your child to a bathhouse of consumerism, wait in a colorful line full of uptight angry people and then pay money so that your son or daughter can sit on Santa’s Lap the lap of an elderly, bearded stranger and (probably) cry. I have never been able to get used…

  • The Word my Son Learned at The American Museum of Natural History

    I take my son to the American Museum of Natural History every month or so because it is an amazing, wonderful museum that is sort of close by.   Yes, there are a few “eh” exhibits that are interchangeable with taking an Ambien (*cough* Felix M. Warburg Hall of  New York State Environment *cough*)  But much of the…

  • Horoscopes For People With Children

    Having kids can be rough, but is it always going to be this rough?  Is it going to get easier in the upcoming months?  Is there something important you should be doing to get your child or children on the right track?  Check out your horoscope and find out what the stars have in store…

  • Baby’s First Halloween: Is there something I missed?

    It’s your baby’s first Halloween, and if there’s one thing cuter than an adorable baby, it’s an adorable baby wearing an adorable costume.  If you think a photo of your 8-month-old in her bouncer got a lot of Facebook likes, get a load of what happens when you dress her up as a strawberry.  Think…

  • The Evolution of My (And Possibly Your) Feelings About Nine-Year-Olds

    We all have opinions about nine-year-olds and these opinions depend on a number of factors. Are we related to these nine-year-olds?  Are they eating next to us in a restaurant?  Are they sitting directly behind us in an enclosed train car loudly scrolling through some ringtone app on their smartphone, exclaiming, “Ooooh ooh ooh, they’ve…

  • 10 Innovative (and Delicious) Healthy Snack Ideas for Children!

    I bought a new product the other day called “Motts for Tots,” which turned out to be more or less watered down apple juice.  (And by “more or less watered down apple juice,” I mean “It was watered down apple juice.”)  It was the same price as the regular apple juice. So at first I…

  • The Seven Things I Can’t Stop Noticing Whenever I Read “Knuffle Bunny.”

    I have read the book Knuffle Bunny several hundred times.  Maybe several thousand.  I stopped counting. I still enjoy it.  I still think it is a wonderful book.  If I am forced to read any of my son’s books over and over again, I am happy he has chosen that one. That being said, reading any…

  • If I Worked For Google, This is What I’d Invent

    I had a post a few months ago about how I was sort of worried that my son wasn’t walking yet.  In case anyone is keeping track, he started walking about two weeks ago and never looked back.  Which is why I’d love to see the people at Google get to work on a special…