The Ugly Volvo

Old Posts

  • Filing for Reimbursement of Time Spent Folding Laundry

    Hi, I’d like to submit my yearly hours of time spent folding laundry—mine, my sons’ and the communal laundry (sheets, towels, and occasionally the sofa cover)—for reimbursement.  I am not looking for monetary reimbursement, I would specifically like to be reimbursed in time spent.  As we’ve recently gone paperless, please notify me via e-mail when…

  • An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog From “Go Dog, Go”

    Dear female hat-wearing dog, I bought your book to help my son learn prepositions and adjectives and was, from the first read, inexorably drawn in by your heart-wrenching struggle for approval.  Momentarily distracted by the humdrum parade of big dogs, little dogs, black and white dogs, I watched as you walked in, brimming with joy…

  • Yelp Reviews of Newborn Babies

    We obsessively check online reviews to see if a movie is worth seeing or a restaurant is worth visiting.  If anyone was considering having a newborn baby and wanted to read the Yelp reviews first, here they are. *              *               * If…

  • All of my Issues With the “Goodnight Moon” Bedroom

    I’ve read Goodnight Moon almost every night for the past two years.  It’s a wonderful book which my son enjoys.  Here are some of my issues with the bedroom depicted in it. 1.  The Size of the Bedroom This bedroom is enormous.  There is no one, I think, who has not noticed this.  As someone…

  • Reasonably Good Advice Written on Bananas

    My mother used to write on my bananas.  It is one of those weird things I remember about my school lunches.  I remember that she would always pack me a Red Delicious apple (which I would promptly throw in the garbage because Red Delicious apples taste, if I am being generous, like damp cardboard) and I…

  • What All The Other Parents Are Doing During The Day

    The first few months staying home with my kid were hard because being alone all the time is rough.  And people would point out, “But you’re not alone!  You have that baby!” except that having a baby is not the same thing as having another adult person around with whom you can have an actual conversation.  You…

  • Why You Should Never, Ever, Ever Get A Tattoo (but Having a Baby is Fine)

    I’m not super pro-tattoo or anti-tattoo.  I’ve debated getting one in the past but never that seriously.  But my mother is vehemently anti-tattoo.  Listed below are the reasons my mother has always given me for why I shouldn’t get a tattoo. And I understand that she’s from a different generation.  And I love my mother very much.…

  • An Open Letter to My Dog After the Birth of my First Child

    Dear Tig, Here’s a list of things for which I want to apologize: 1.  I’m sorry for every time I loop your leash around the doorknob and hurriedly say, “Two minutes!  I’m going to take you outside in two minutes!”  Because I am not going to do that.  You know, as you watch me struggling…

  • Parenting Olympics

    For those of you angry that having a child prevented you from qualifying for the Rio 2016 Olympics, remember that while you may be losing at international sports competitions, you’re still in the running for a few other medals: Event 1: To level the playing field, this event is divided into multiple weightclasses: Newborn Infant…

  • What I Do All Day When I Am Home With The Baby

    I am, for now, a stay at home mother. People sometimes ask what exactly I do during the day and I never have any idea what to say. Below is a fairly accurate description of most of the things I do on any given day. To save time, repetitive actions like changing diapers and feeding…

  • A Breakdown of your Child’s Eating Patterns

    (Click graphs to enlarge.) *               *               * SEVEN STARS FARM ORGANIC PLAIN WHOLE MILK YOGURT *               *               * ORGANIC ROASTED BEETS *               *               * TRADER JOE’S BRAND CHEERIOS *               *               * PEAS FROM LOCAL FARMER’S MARKET (ALSO ORGANIC) *               *               * WHATEVER YOU WERE EATING *               *               * COOKIE/CUPCAKE/CHOCOLATE/ANYTHING CONTAINING REFINED SUGAR *          *          *…

  • A Ten-Month-Old’s Letter To Santa

    Dear Santa,  I am a ten-month-old baby and I write because my mother has been sending out my “Christmas List” to people, and her list does not in any way represent the things I really want.  I could give two s#*ts about receiving stacking cups. And I know you’re ready to make the joke about…

  • The Amazing Butternut Squash Soup Recipe That Everyone Should Make At Least Once

    Love butternut squash soup?  Looking for that amazing recipe that everyone on earth seems to have?  Look no further!  Follow the instructions below for soup so delicious it’ll change the way you look at fall! *               *               * Step 1.  Buy one or two mid-sized organic butternut squash from your local farmer’s market.  Look for…

  • The Nine Hundred Dollar iPhone Photo

    I’m not going to say that we flew down to Florida to get a picture, because we didn’t.  We flew down to Florida to see my grandfather, who is 94-years-old and my son’s only living great-grandparent.  All my own great-grandparents passed away long before I was born, as did my husband’s great-grandparents.  So I’m not…

  • 10 Quick, Easy Meals for Moms!

    So I signed up to have a kid and even that, really, did I have any idea what I was signing up for?  Of course not.  No one does.  But I am doing it.   I will put in a lot of time to help my kid learn how to be a good person.  BUT, I…

  • A Baby Book of Disasters

    So I have this baby book for my son that I use to record his milestones, and it is boring.  It is so, so boring.  Half the time I don’t even remember to write things down when they happen because I am so wholly uninterested in recording things for this stupid book.  “Today he rolled…

  • Oh, he looks “JUST LIKE YOU”

    When the baby was only a month or so old everyone kept saying, “Oh wow, he looks like your husband.  He looks so much like your husband!”  And now he is six months old and at a family gathering the other day I had at least 10 people say that he looked exactly like me.…

  • Having A Baby Solved All My Problems

    Having a baby solved all my problems. All of them. A year ago I was just like every other slightly anxious cardigan-wearing woman in her early thirties, wondering if my life was on the right track. I was nervous about money, about my relationship, about my job. I needed a quick, easy fix—something simple I…

  • A Slightly-Too-Long Note to My Stitch Fix Stylist

    There is a company called Stitch Fix that asks you to fill out a form describing your taste in clothing to a personal shopper who will then mail you items they think fit your lifestyle.  After completing a survey you are allowed to write the stylist a note but can use only 500 characters.  My note went…

  • Printable Stickers for Your Second Child’s Month-by-Month Photos

    Upon having a second kid, I promised myself “I will treat this new kid exactly like the first kid!” while the whole time knowing that it was extremely unlikely (Nate Silver listed the probability at 0%) that that was how things would play out.  One of the things I had hoped I’d do (in addition…

  • Being Pregnant Turns You Into an Ethereal Wood Nymph

    The best part of being pregnant, aside from looking at photos of cute nurseries online and obviously how excited your mom is going to be, is that for the better part of a year you turn from a human being into a beautiful, ethereal wood nymph.  You will shed your dull human form of whatever…

  • Should I Have a Baby or Eat a Toblerone?

    Found yourself at a crossroads and terrified of going in the wrong direction?  Not sure if you should have kids or just eat a Toblerone?  Life is full of twists and turns!  Write to us for advice!   Hi, I’m a woman in my late 20’s.   I’ve been married for 3 years but we fight a…

  • An Apology to the Upbeat, Super-Talkative Cabdriver Who Drove Me to the Hospital When I Was in Labor

    Dear Cabdriver, First off, I apologize for not remembering your name.  I know you enthusiastically told it to us, but by the time you arrived at our apartment I felt as though someone were disemboweling me with an IKEA can opener and I had trouble exchanging pleasantries.  Please know that under normal circumstances when people…

  • Screenshots From my 8-Month-Old-Son’s iPhone Calendar

    Got my eight-month-old son an iPhone because it seemed like he’d enjoy it.  And people were all like “Blahbedy blah blah blah, your eight-month-old doesn’t need his own iPhone” and I was like “Thanks, Judgy McJudgerson, but I think I can second guess my OWN terrible decisions without your input.” Anyway, I totally hacked into his…

  • How I Act Now That My Four-Year-Old Son Mimics Everything I Say and Do

    My son is in a stage where he wants to be Just. Like. Me.  Everything I like, he insists that he likes.  Everything I do not like, he also does not like (and vehemently insists he has never liked).  He agrees with everything I say and mimics everything I do and it might, it was…

  • The Art of Getting Rid of My Child’s Art

    My son went for several years in which the most artistic thing he created was a urine stain in the shape of a dolphin.  And then when he was around two years old, at a drop off program where I would leave him a few times a week, he began coming home with pieces of…

  • Craigslist Missed Connections (parents4parents)

    Craigslist Parenting Missed Connections #1.) Passed you yesterday on 9th street.  You were:  exhausted-looking woman in her mid 40s wearing a trench coat and holding a mylar Paw Patrol balloon.  I was: woman with Nutella and dried blood on her forehead (don’t ask) pushing a 3 1/2 year old in a broken stroller.  Felt like…