Congratulations! Today is your day! You’re off to great websites! You’re off and away! You’ve got brains in your head. You’ve got eyes in your face. You’ll decide what you want and what orders to place! You’re on your own and the limit’s the sky! And YOU are the one who’ll decide what you’ll buy.
Would you? Could you? For 149.99?? For passed hors d’oeuvres? For serving wine?
Serves reluctant diners at distances up to 80 feet.
Traditional exercise equipment leaving you bored? Nothing says “ultimate workout” like pulling around a piece of land weighing several thousand tons.
And if your goal is to slim down and increase muscle tone, will you succeed? Yes! You will indeed. 98 and 3/4 a percent guaranteed!
Know anyone whose opinions differ from your own? Keep them at bay with this extremely powerful, lightweight gun that can be easily transported on the back of the family pet.
As featured on the cover of this Month’s Vanity Fair “The Thneed Issue.”
-One size fits all
-Softer than silk
-Has the sweet smell of fresh butterfly milk
-Hand knitted.
-PRICED TO SELL
If there’s one thing we learned from Fashion Week, it’s that this will be the year of having small green stars printed onto the skin of your stomach.
If you’re feeling left out of those frankfurter roasts (or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts), what better way to step up your style game than with green belly stars, identical to the ones worn by Selena Gomez and Kylie Jenner.
Forget your Androids and iPhones– unlike the old, bulkier models, the 2016 Whisper-Ma is lightweight and flexible. Clarifying attachments minimize the sound of callers having smallish bees up their noses. Use it to tell a long story about environmental destruction to a little boy or just whisper an Adele-style “Hello,” into the taped-up receiver.
Relieve the household drudgery of opening cans. This season, take your kitchen up a notch. A personal Zans is not only the most effective way to quickly and easily open many cans, it’s become a daring and assertive lifestyle statement.
Dog-mount cannon wasn’t getting your point across? Buying these extremely convoluted weapons will make long, verbal arguments a thing of the past!
Durable and easy-to-use. Also available is the Super Axe Hacker XP which cuts down five Truffula trees in one smacker.
All the Whos down in Whoville will all cry, “Boo hoo” when they see that we’ve sold out of this amazing, must-have item that would totally make your life a thousand times better if you would just buy it.
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If you know someone expecting a child this holiday season (or who has a young child that causes them to do a lot of loud sighing and/or crying late at night while standing in front of the refrigerator) I’ve written a book called Welcome to the Club: 100 Parenting Milestones You Never Saw Coming about some of the parenting milestones they’ve got ahead of them. (Yes, they’ll take a first step but also get ready for your child to roll off the bed at some point.) You can buy it on Amazon, Target, Indiebound or Barnes and Noble.
If you want to follow me on Facebook or Twitter, obviously you can do either of those things as well. Hope thanksgiving is productive and not too much of an emotional disaster!
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