The Ugly Volvo

Yelp Reviews of Newborn Babies

We obsessively check online reviews to see if a movie is worth seeing or a restaurant is worth visiting.  If anyone was considering having a newborn baby and wanted to read the Yelp reviews first, here they are.

Yelp 1
yelp 2
yelp 2.1
Yelp 3Yelp4Yelp5Yelp 5.1Yelp6
Yelp7
Yelp8
yelp9
yelp10
yelp11
yelp12
yelp13yelp13.5yelp14yelp15yelp16

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If you enjoyed this post please follow The Ugly Volvo on Facebook or Twitter.  Or follow the blog by signing up here and you’ll get an e-mail whenever she gets around to posting (most often once every two weeks).  

Here are the links again, really big so you cannot miss them.

FACEBOOK LINK.  TWITTER LINK.

Also, if you have a newborn baby right now, both “Congratulations!” and “I hope you are hanging in there ok!”  Newborn babies can be really rough but it gets easier, I swear.  Stay strong.  If you do NOT have a newborn baby right now, Double Congratulations!  That is so great!  Go watch a Netflix original series or eat a Snickers or something!  

Comments

63 responses to “Yelp Reviews of Newborn Babies”

  1. Jan C Avatar
    Jan C

    I adore your sense of humor. Thanks so much for this!

    Reply
  2. eva Avatar
    eva

    To hell with “Goodnight Moon” and Parenting Magazine – this post should be laminated and laying around EVERY OB-Gyn office in the US and well…the world. I give it 5 starts! MY kids? solid 3 1/2 – don’t even attempt to read the reviews on teenagers – shocking and of course too late to return that baby now!

    Reply
  3. Amy Avatar
    Amy

    Love this! Too funny

    Reply
  4. Matticus Avatar
    Matticus

    Where’s the link to the Yelp reviews of toddlers? Where the first line reads, “If you have clicked over from the Newborn site, we are sorry for having misled you with comments about things “getting easier.” We should have been more specific. Some things will be easier, and some things will be much, much harder, and stickier, and grabbier, and there will be more “nos” thrown around then you ever knew were possible, and things will get broken. Yes, there will be moments of magic, but there were also be the same, or worse, moments of horribleness that you experienced with earlier versions of this product. Anyway, hang in there.”

    Reply
    1. theuglyvolvo Avatar
      theuglyvolvo

      The yelp reviews of toddlers will be available as soon as I can write it up and do all this annoying formatting again. 🙂 The one I’m really nervous about is the Yelp reviews of teenagers. Forget about writing some, I don’t even want to read any. Terrified.

      Reply
  5. Deva Dalporto Avatar
    Deva Dalporto

    This is hysterically brilliant! And OMG Matticus that is an awesome follow up!

    Reply
  6. Jude Avatar
    Jude

    I was once helpless innocent and weighed in at about 6 pounds myself. I’m sure I did my share of crying, pooping etc. My five children from newborn to now, some in their 40’s are precious to me. The scriptures say that even Jesus learned from the things he suffered. We all do, it’s how we grow. It’s as granddad used to say what you get for living. To those who can’t deal with it suck it up. This is not humorous nor entertaining it is the immature railings for children with children.

    Reply
    1. Hannah Avatar
      Hannah

      Pretty sure you shouldn’t be one this website at all, or any parenting blog at all, if your only advice will be to “suck it up” and inform everyone that a post about how exhausting and difficult child rearing can be is childish. Perhaps it is. But sometimes we need to know we aren’t the only ones who feel mildly bogged down, or feel like the magical parenthood thing was a bit misrepresented. If we need to hear “suck it up” we’ll call a judgemental family member or go to a gym. The comments section of a mildly satirical, completely honest blog about motherhood isn’t the place for it, Thanks. Keep it up, @TheUglyVolvo. Your son and mine are roughly a month apart, you have hit every single solitary feeling on the spot. <3

      Reply
      1. Kate Avatar
        Kate

        Super awesome response!

        Reply
      2. OCH Avatar
        OCH

        Hear hear 🙂

        Reply
    2. th3hbomb Avatar
      th3hbomb

      Man, satire REALLY evades the older generation. One would think a deeper understanding of humor would accompany the longer life experiences…

      Reply
  7. Stuart S-W Avatar
    Stuart S-W

    I have been a follower for a while. This is one of the best you have published. (Good thing, too, given all of the extra GIFwork.) And agree with Matticus, although you covered some of that ground with the baby replacement blog– that one ranks as my laugh-out-loud highest. The inclusion of the grandmother comment is brill! Keep channeling that parent anger into humour: it makes molehills out of mountains.

    Reply
    1. theuglyvolvo Avatar
      theuglyvolvo

      thanks very much. I loved Matticus’ comment as well. Had intentions of doing a follow up blog (as I currently have a toddler) but yes, the formatting nonsense was a bit tiresome on this one since I had no idea what I was doing. But had a lot of fun putting it together regardless 🙂

      Reply
  8. Karen Philip Avatar
    Karen Philip

    Please do yourself a favor and read the fine print. Also, I cannot stress this enough, get the extended warranty. My first one was working pretty ok until about year 12 or so. Then, it’s eyes started rolling, it started being embarrassed to be seen in public with me and has gotten dumber each year in the common sense dept. I thought maybe I just got a lemon, but my second one is doing the same thing at about the same age. Clearly, a design flaw.

    Reply
  9. Rina Avatar
    Rina

    Another fabulous piece. Creative, funny and spot on. Since being introduced to your blog (I think the Goodnight Moon post) I am head over heels in love with you (too much?) as you have genuinely made my own parenting journey seem more manageable and funny – because you get it, and you put it out there. Thank you.

    Reply
    1. theuglyvolvo Avatar
      theuglyvolvo

      thank you!

      Reply
  10. Mette Avatar
    Mette

    I love it! Best thing I’ve read in a long time. I adore your sense of humor!

    Reply
  11. bonnie peregoy Avatar
    bonnie peregoy

    I love this and as a grandmother I really appreciate being included – but I have a HUGE frustration with your work – how do I share it with others? I admit I sometimes just copy/paste your email to my facebook page and then hope more people will become fans themselves (not possible with this one of course – formatting) – but why don’t you publish these blog posts on your facebook page so they can be easily shared?

    Reply
    1. theuglyvolvo Avatar
      theuglyvolvo

      it is on my facebook page as of now 🙂 But there is always a share button at the very bottom of the article as well. Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  12. Stephanie Jankowski Avatar
    Stephanie Jankowski

    This is, hands down, the funniest thing I’ve read in a VERY long time! Thank you for your creative, hilarious, honest, sarcastic, deliciously realness. Realness? Is that a word? It is now.

    Reply
    1. theuglyvolvo Avatar
      theuglyvolvo

      according to everyone in my Facebook newsfeed, yes, realness is a word. Also, thanks!

      Reply
      1. Robyn Avatar
        Robyn

        It’s definitely a word….Mr Scrabble said so

        Reply
  13. Tessa Avatar
    Tessa

    Fantastic! I loved this, but then my newborns are now 12&16 this year 😀

    Reply
  14. christina Avatar
    christina

    Hilarious! (and of course wonderfully creative!)

    Reply
  15. Suzib10 Avatar
    Suzib10

    funniest thing I’ve read in a while…of course, I am slightly delirious from lack of sleep (thanks to a certain four-week-old dude)

    Reply
  16. Bonnie Avatar
    Bonnie

    This made me laugh out loud and got me in the feels! Sooo good!

    Reply
  17. Jasmine Avatar
    Jasmine

    Tears are streaming down my face reading this (mostly of laughter, a few of terror). Thank you so much for your posts, you are a funny, funny, funny woman.

    Reply
  18. Anon Avatar
    Anon

    Good reviews and thanks for the double congratulations but it doesn’t feel like much of a consolation considering I ordered my newborn over three years ago and despite paying the manufacturer over $35k my shipment hasn’t arrived yet. Looking forward to the good and the bad when it finally (hopefully?) gets here. Could you perhaps speak to the proprietor and tell them to ship priority, please?

    Reply
    1. theuglyvolvo Avatar
      theuglyvolvo

      I know several people who’ve had similar trouble with their order and I’m sorry for the trouble. It is a maddening customer service issue. I will keep every one of my fingers crossed for you and see if I can get UPS to overnight it.

      best of luck and best wishes.
      -tuv

      Reply
  19. Erica Avatar
    Erica

    I don’t understand how these things work. The directions say to feed them, which I do (because I always follow directions), but they don’t eat. Perhaps mine are defective? Apparently an angry face and stern voice doesn’t fix the problem either.

    Reply
  20. Pam Avatar
    Pam

    I had a painful-engorged-very distresful experience the first time around but after 6 years I guess we forgot all that and we gave it another go. The second was actually better except for the whole 9 months of vomiting but apparently we must have made a double order by mistake somehow because I found myself expecting again after only 7 months of that delivery. 3 boys… It’s been hard as hell… I adore them but it’s been hard as hell… Who am I kidding.

    Reply
  21. Irina Avatar
    Irina

    This is funny but messed up. God may just do recalls!

    Reply
  22. Terrie Jeschke Avatar
    Terrie Jeschke

    I, too, am a grandmother. So sorry to the other poster who wants to restrict grandparents from posting. Can’t restrict freedom of speech. This post is such a true and accurate description of raising a baby. Kudos to you on your maturity and sensibility. I feel that the people who are so bitterly complaining about trying “the newborn thing” have all forgotten that a long time ago someone rocked them, sang to them, stayed up all night with them, wondered why they were crying, wondered why they weren’t sleeping and at times found themselves staring off into space in a total stupor. That person or persons………. their parent(s). The difference, we just sucked it in and dealt with it instead of posting how hateful a chore it was on the intenet. Your post gives me hope.

    Reply
    1. Mims Avatar
      Mims

      Couldn’t agreed more. Who are we to judge newborn is like this and like that since we were a newborn too, long time ago. If our parents can bear with us, raised us, why can’t we?
      Stop complainig, just be grateful. Thanks

      Reply
    2. th3hbomb Avatar
      th3hbomb

      Satire, folks. Simmer it down.

      Reply
    3. Elizabeth Avatar
      Elizabeth

      I think a lot of people are getting the wrong impression all the reviews above are a joke meant to be funny I belive created by the same person if you notice there are responses from the new borns under some of the reviews telling them sorry and it will get easier this whole post was created simply to be funny and make people laugh not offend anyone.

      Reply
    4. OCH Avatar
      OCH

      Does being a grandparent destroy your brain cells? Can you seriously not tell this is a JOKE?

      Reply
      1. Terrie Jeschke Avatar
        Terrie Jeschke

        Late response, but unfortunately I work with a lot of millenials who talk like this and, also unfortunately, do not mean it as a joke.

        Reply
  23. TG Avatar
    TG

    shortly after we got #1 sleeping through the night in his own bed and along came newborn #2. aside from the toddler bit, it is so much easier the second time because you more or less have the end in sight. and you know you didn’t break the first one. so if anyone asks why you co-sleep (in self-defense, of course), you can tell them to shove it.

    Reply
  24. Catherine Avatar
    Catherine

    “SUPER strict no return policy” —> HAHA! So true! No putting him back where he came from!

    Reply
  25. Sara Avatar
    Sara

    The largest part of becoming a parent is being able to put your selfishness aside for another human being…one you created. Until you can put “me” aside, you will never fully appreciate the miracle of your newborn and appreciate him/her (good times and bad).

    Reply
  26. Stepmom Avatar
    Stepmom

    I didn’t order mine new (they came second-hand), and the original manufacturing facility denied all responsibility for difficulties. They grew on me after a few years, but I think that the process could be streamlined a bit. If they could come with their own jobs and cooking skills, it would be a great help.

    That strict no returns policy is a bear, though.

    Reply
    1. Melanie McKinnon Avatar
      Melanie McKinnon

      You. Are. Hilarious.

      Reply
  27. Jess Avatar
    Jess

    In regards to the newborn experience, I would give it 1 star. Having a newborn will leave you tired, stressed, and otherwise frazzled. You get puked on, shit on, woke up at all hours of the night, and your schedule forever revolves around the newborn. If you’re selfish, this job os NOT for you. If your relationship is somewhat rocky to begin with, do not, I repeat, DO NOT- Have a Newborn because it will destroy what threads of said relationship that remain intact. Do NOT create a newborn with someone unless you’re certain you can go the next 18 years without wanting to cram a blunt object through the eyesocket of your prospective “mate.” If you’re not sure, RUN or use birth control! I cannot stress that enough. It’s bad enough having one newborn, let alone a second FULL SIZE Newborn that also screams, complains and shits nonstop!

    Fast forward 6 years and I will give it 3 and a half stars. I rid myself of my relationship baggage and the newborn has grown into a little human who’s somewhat self sufficient, independent and entertaining.

    😉

    Reply
  28. Connie Avatar
    Connie

    For those new parents who feel nothing but contempt for the precious baby they have brought into this world, there is ALWAYS some childless couple who would gladly adopt your child and wouldn’t care about the negatives that come with caring for a helpless human being !!

    Reply
    1. OCH Avatar
      OCH

      Wow, honey. Lighten up. Have you ever heard of “satire”? Or, indeed, “joke”? Wow …

      Reply
  29. Jenny Avatar
    Jenny

    You guys know this is a joke, right? Looking at the Grandmas and anyone else who thinks the authors have “nothing but contempt for the baby.” So, you know, go eat a Snickers bar or something.

    Reply
    1. Nina Avatar
      Nina

      Hilarious…I knew it was a joke right away…then looking at others posts I was like wow they think it’s real…..your so right they should grab a snickers

      Reply
  30. Mark Avatar
    Mark

    The fact that people think these are real makes me feel bad for humanity…. It’s Satire people…. SMH

    Reply
  31. Jess Avatar
    Jess

    Yes, it’s SATIRE. I agree, eat a snickers.

    Reply
  32. Jaygo Avatar
    Jaygo

    Repeat customer here! I first ordered one 7 years ago and the experience was demanding yet worthwhile so hubby & I decided last year that we’d order another. Well there must have been a BOGO special going on, because we received 2 for the price of one…These things need to come with a warning that states: “this newborn (or these newborns) will most certainly be unlike any others you’ve previously cared for so be prepared for anything.” Bottom line for me, sleep is a gift. Cherish it.

    Thank you so much for this Ugly Volvo. I’ve been awake for 7 months, nursing twins around the clock. Last night was especially brutal and stumbling across your page was a blessing to me this morning. Reading these made me literally laugh out loud and forget how exhausted I am for a moment.

    Reply
    1. theuglyvolvo Avatar
      theuglyvolvo

      I am amazed you had time to type out a comment. Best of luck and hang in there and sleep. GOOD LUCK!

      Reply
  33. Cortney Avatar
    Cortney

    Oh this is so great. Loving all the comments where people kept it going.

    Reply
  34. Melinda Avatar
    Melinda

    Clearly I did not do enough research before deciding to have two children as the reviews are indeed terrible. Ha ha, love this!!

    Reply
  35. Trina Avatar
    Trina

    I’m going to give the newborn experience two stars. I’ve been the owner of a newborn for 18 years now, and I can say that the whole experience has been rather traumatic. Most people have a co-ownership with their newborn, I however decided to brave it alone. The newborn itself was rather cute and smelled good (most of the time), however, as it aged it began to break. There were casts on arms, band-aids on knees, and (the absolute worst) “hurt feelings”. I, as the owner, was not permitted to cause grievous bodily harm to the owners of other aged newborns who had injured mine. I feel this is an issue management should look into. Also, as my newborn aged it turned from a cute little loaf of blubber into a tall, lanky creature that ate all of my food, used all of my disposable income, and sarcastically challenged my every move. It’s like a chess set from hell. Now, as my newborn has aged to the time it goes out into the world on its own, I am left alone (which I have not been in almost twenty years), without an identity (because I cannot for the life of me remember who I was before I became known as “mom”) and looking at a room that will no longer smell like teenage boy, gym shorts, and stale pizza. It gets five stars for the life experience it gave me. It gets negative stars for growing up and moving out when I originally thought it was going to stay little forever. That rounds up to about two stars. The only thing I can say to those who decide to give this newborn thing a try is that I am looking forward to the day my newborn has a newborn of its own. Not because they’re cute. Not because I miss those days (Oh, God, no), but because I want to enact my revenge on my newborn. A revenge I have been planning since day one. A sweet, sweet revenge that involves lots of spoiling and rule breaking so that my newborn will also lose his ever-loving mind and I can sit back and cackle gleefully as I watch. I only recommend newborns to those who don’t mind having their heart ripped out suddenly and without warning to belong to someone else for the rest of eternity (and that someone else really doesn’t get it, you’re just going to have to suck it up mom and dad). This product is not for the faint of heart.

    Reply
  36. VeteranParent Avatar
    VeteranParent

    Tried the newborn experience three times, most recently 22 years ago. Can’t say I recommend it, in hindsight, but willing to let bygones be bygones. Can’t wait for these former newborns to experience it for themselves, revenge IS a dish best served cold.

    Reply
  37. A dad Avatar
    A dad

    We have tried adding newborn babies to our pack 3 times now. My wife said, if I want more, I will have to swap birthing roles with her. The biggest problem we have now is, the newborns have disappeared. I think they got eaten by toddlers. It is bad enough having to keep everything off the floor, but with toddlers you have to keep tables clean. Toddlers also move between rooms in the night. This reduces our ability to have anymore newborns. The toddlers then seem to pupate into school kids, then teenagers.
    They should stop growing up at this teenager lifeform. They can do whatever they like, and they know everything. Eventually them develop into responsible adults,(whatever that is). These responsible adults start talking about having their own newborn. This is the best.
    If anybody wants a newborn, wait until your children have them.

    Reply
  38. Torie Avatar
    Torie

    I got my newborn 5 months ago. Just when I think it’s getting better, or that I’ve figured it out, suddenly it’s completely different. Strange, high pitched noises that are hard to distinguish, and waking up every 30 minutes during the night. Night terrors where the high pitched noise happens while asleep. But, when she smiles, or laughs, or learns something new, it makes me feel an explosion of joy. Now she’s eating and starting to figure out how to move around and it almost makes up for the 2 hours of sleep at night I get because of the constant noises. I won’t be devastated if I have another. I might actually enjoy it, after the labor part anyway. Cause that just sucked!

    Reply
  39. Laurel Avatar
    Laurel

    Trina, your post just made me tear up and it’s not a good thing as I’m reading this blog at work.
    Hilarious baby reviews by all. To the negative commenters: cheer up!

    Reply
  40. Nate Avatar
    Nate

    My wife and I want kids, eventually…. but we keep pushing it back. Every time we have a bad experience with kids, it gets pushed back a year. We are currently at 6 years from now. 😛

    Reply
  41. Susan Watson Avatar
    Susan Watson

    The fact that people think these are real makes me feel bad for humanity…. It’s Satire people…. SMH…

    Reply
  42. Sarah Calatayud Avatar
    Sarah Calatayud

    Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had so far in 2016. I was definitely a “I wish I could give it zero stars” newborn mom. That was 14 years ago, thank God. I wish I’d had this to make me laugh when I was in the throes of the first 8 weeks with a newborn. Just excellent.

    Reply
  43. Charlie Avatar
    Charlie

    I remember this product. We ordered one many years ago and were pleased enough that we ordered a second. When it arrived we realized that there were real problems with manufacturing consistency. Apparently, no two items are ever quite the same. On the other hand, my brother in law was temporarily living in Canada after having ordered the American product before moving. Shipment took forever and I guess they sent him the Canadian version. With the exchange rate he got TWO of them and they were identical! Go figure. Must have been from the same manufacturing run.

    Reply

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