I am, for now, a stay at home mother. People sometimes ask what exactly I do during the day and I never have any idea what to say. Below is a fairly accurate description of most of the things I do on any given day. To save time, repetitive actions like changing diapers and feeding the baby are not constantly mentioned but, please be aware, they are being done.
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Aaaaaaaaand, START!
7:00 Wake up wishing I had gone to sleep before 1:00 AM. Feed baby a bottle.
7:15 Put baby in highchair surrounded by Cheerios and cut up pieces of fruit while I make a completely overzealous and unrealistic to-do list.
I’ll totally get to this stuff
8:00 Change baby’s diaper and get him dressed to go outside. You are possibly going, “Wait– the last entry was at 7:15. It took you 45 minutes to give him Cheerios and make a four item to-do list?” I know, right? It doesn’t make sense to me either.
8:25 Bundle baby and put extremely bundled-up baby in stroller. Make vague attempt at getting dressed. Put leash on dog.
8:30 Take dog for 30-minute walk, the entire time feeling guilty that baby is outside in the freezing cold.
“Explain to me again why I left the uterus?”
9:00 Return to apartment. Carry stroller up the stairs of our third-floor walk-up. Un-bundle baby.
9:05 Play with baby on floor, the entire time feeling guilty that dog didn’t really get enough exercise and is becoming clinically-depressed.
“Chew tennis ball. Stare out the window at cats. What’s the f*%king point?”
9:35 Lie on floor as baby crawls over my inert body. Absentmindedly wonder if there is more to it than this– if maybe other people have some sort of routine that seems less stupid and boring and pointless. Wonder if there is some big thing I should be doing to help the baby’s development that I am not doing.
9:40 Sit on the floor and clap, hoping to teach baby to clap. Baby will not clap. Go online and Google, “How old babies start clapping?” and read article saying they start to do this more between 9 and 12 months. (Baby is 11 months old)
9:43 Spend the next few minutes going, “Well sh*t, maybe there’s something wrong with the baby. He should be clapping more.”
9:47 Remind myself that he seems really well-adjusted and happy so maybe he’s just a late clapper.
10:05 Get bored of playing with baby. Attempt one of the things from overzealous to-do list. Baby immediately crawls out of my vision and begins eating dog food. I abandon list and pull the dog food out of his mouth. He becomes sad. I cheer up baby by pretending to eat his hands.
A great way to accidentally start your baby on solids.
10:20 Baby and I look at and point to the fan for a while, going, “Where’s the fan? There’s the fan.”
10:40 Feed baby while listening to public radio. Halfheartedly debate calling in to the Brian Lehrer show and giving them my opinion on something related to the Superbowl for no reason other than wanting to talk to an adult.
11:00
Change baby’s diaper and PUT BABY DOWN FOR HIS NAP.
AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! BABY IS FINALLY SLEEPING!!!!
11:01 GET STUFF DONE. Do full load of laundry and run dishwasher. Schedule 4 doctor’s appointments and 1 pediatrician appointment and 2 dentist appointments and pay several bills online and come up with creative re-design for website. Sort through junk mail and recycling and go through online inbox, deleting old e-mails and responding to e-mails I have flagged. Remember that I have not yet eaten breakfast. Poach two eggs and make toast. Eat breakfast, shower, get dressed a second time, reply to more e-mails. Put load of laundry in dryer and fold laundry from yesterday. Write blog. Catch up on current events. Feed/brush/play with dog. Lie on sofa, letting myself “relax for just a minute.”
11:06 Open browser window. Log in to my Facebook newsfeed. Scroll down the feed, “liking” and commenting on statuses and pictures of friends. See an article someone has linked to and think, “Oh, this article looks sort of interesting.”
11:20 ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
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11:45 ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
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12:34 ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
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1:03 ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
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1:45 ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Eat Entire Box of Wheat thins. ???????????
2:00 ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
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2:05 HOW IS BABY AWAKE FROM NAP ALREADY???? NOT CERTAIN OF WHAT IS HAPPENING. THE LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS SITTING DOWN TO READ SOME SORT OF ARTICLE.
2:10 Angrily swear off internet.
2:15 Take dog for 30-minute walk, the entire time feeling guilty that baby is outside in the freezing cold.
2:45 Return home. Play with baby on floor, the entire time feeling guilty that dog didn’t really get enough exercise and is unhappy.
2:50 GUILT, GUILT, INADEQUACY, GUILT, SHAME, MILD AMUSEMENT, INADEQUACY, FRUSTRATION, GRIEF,
3:30 Leave baby alone for a few minutes. Wash dishes in sink until sink is completely empty. Stare at clean sink for several minutes realizing that this is the only tangible evidence that I have done anything today.
My masterpiece.
3:40 Sit with baby on floor saying, “Mama? Mama?” while baby laughs and proceeds to go “babababababababababababa,” which is the only thing he has said for the past two months.
4:00 Something?
4:40 Either cut up a bunch of vegetables for dinner or forget to do that.
4:45 Add a bunch of mundane items to original To-Do list and check them off in order to feel like I accomplished something.
4:46 Jonathan arrives home. Asks how day was. Asks what I did today. I show him clean sink and baby who is not crying or bleeding.
5:00 Elaborate closing dance number!
6:00 Audience rises to give me standing ovation as I smile and bow, tipping my hat to the crowd. Flowers are flung at the stage as I grin and accept the overwhelming, thunderous applause. As clapping continues I gesture to both the orchestra pit and the behind-the-scenes tech workers to remind people that I could not have done it without a lot of help from behind-the-scenes! This is a joint effort, people! I blow a kiss to the crowd, briefly unfolding a piece of paper from my pocket and telling everybody Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I can’t believe I’m up here right now but just want to quickly thank my agent and manager for believing in me and all the other extremely talented nominees and my wonderful husband, without whom none of this would be possible! Thank you so much– hope to see all of you at the after party which will be, AS ALWAYS, a total blast! You are all such beautiful people and I’m blessed to get to work with each and every one of you! Thank you so much! Goodnight, drive safe!
Remainder of Evening Attend various parties, trailed by the paparazzi. Collapse into bed (as always) around 1AM.
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If you read this and were like, “Wow, your life is really boring!” please know that I added in a bunch of jokes and captions and whatnot and that my actual life is way more boring than depicted.
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