There was a thing I did not know about before I had a baby, which was:
“Diaper bags that do not look like diaper bags.”
Do you know what these are? I did not. These are really well-designed, hip diaper bags that look like large designer handbags or tote bags so that while carrying them you still look a little bit stylish. And who doesn’t want to feel a little bit stylish? Before I die it is something I hope to experience.
I do not take issue with the bags themselves. I looked at some of these bags and they were, admittedly, very nice. A few of them I wanted for myself! My issue is in the way these bags are marketed– particularly this quote:
Diaper bags that don’t look like diaper bags: “Your secret is safe with these top stylish picks!”
Here was my problem– what exactly is the “secret” that is “safe” with these top stylish picks? That you have a baby? Is that the secret? Yes, you have fooled people by carrying around a cool, stylish diaper bag instead of a normal, frumpy one full of exterior pockets, but do you not also have the baby with you? Will that not give away everything you have worked so hard to conceal??
According to numerous diaper bag articles I’ve encountered, the most important part of having a baby is looking like you don’t have a baby.
Which is why I’m excited to announce that I have decided to jump on the diaper-bag-that-doesn’t-look-like-a-diaper-bag bandwagon. I’ve created my own line of timeless, chic diaper bags. Sling one over your arm and immediately have people saying, “Her? She couldn’t possibly have kids! She’s obviously a talented young actress waiting for her breakout role as the ingenue in some upcoming Sofia Coppola movie.”
Which is why I bring you:
8 Adorable Diaper Bags That Don’t Look Like Diaper Bags
1. The Vintage Metropolitan Diaper Bag
Worried people will immediately pigeonhole you as a mom? Well say hello to the diaper bag that says, “Not only do I not have kids, I spend my disposable income at high-end wine bars and have an unlimited supply of pencil skirts and cute sale-rack Banana Republic tops. There’s no way this bag is filled with Cheerios and Desitin, OR IS IT?”
2. The Urban Backpacker’s Diaper Bag
Two side pockets for bottles/sippy cups? YES. But don’t freak out! You won’t look like a mom with this diaper bag. You’ll look like a totally hip 20-something who just moved here after college and is headed to a cafe with her laptop. Probably someone will sit down and ask if you want to have a conversation about Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis and if they do, just roll with it. (spoiler alert: it’s about a bug)
3. The Portlandia Messenger Diaper Bag
Woman with three kids? No way! Probably some woman cycling to Powell’s bookstore with a bag full of free-trade organic coffee beans. No one will ever guess you have children– they’ll notice that you haven’t showered but they’ll assume it’s just a lifestyle choice.
4. The Ansel Adams Photography-Lover’s Diaper Bag
Your secret is TOTALLY safe with the Ansel Adams Photography-Lover’s Diaper bag. Compact and portable, you’ll look nothing like a mom and everything like a fresh young photographer overwhelmed by the beauty of everyday life! Probably people will walk right up to you and go, “Are you a photographer?” and if you say yes they’ll follow it up with, “I love photography. I follow Humans of New York on Facebook!” and if you smile knowingly they will go on to say, “You know what photo I love is that one of all the guys in the 30’s or whatever all eating lunch on that iron beam hanging above a construction site. Do you know that photo?”
YOU ARE KILLING IT SO HARD, YOU MASTER OF DISGUISE!
5. The Used Plastic Grocery Bag Diaper Bag
Who needs a big pesky nylon diaper bag that screams, “I WEAR HIGH-WAISTED PANTS AND DON’T KNOW WHO SELENA GOMEZ IS DATING BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY CUTTING COUPONS OUT OF THE KOHLS CIRCULAR,” when you could be strolling through the West Village with this hot item in your hands. No one will know you have kids, they’ll just assume you’re out buying Ramen and an avocado since that’s what you have for dinner probably, right?
6. The Empty Corona Box Diaper Bag
Who’s got kids? Not you! You’re just some lady walking around with an empty Corona box. You don’t need to explain yourself.
7. The Banana Diaper Clutch
Not super spacious but more than enough room for a few wipes and a juicebox. This clutch is perfect for those days when you’re tired of being judged and reprimanded for how you’re raising your children and just want to be seen as, “Some disgruntled woman on the corner of 23rd and Madison holding a banana.”
8. The Small Vase Full of Dried Purple Flowers Diaper Bag
Nothing will make you look less frumpily maternal and more like a breathtaking youthful wood nymph than walking the streets of your town with this totally cute diaper bag designed to look like a white pitcher full of dried flowers. Totally adorable on its own, but looks even cuter when paired with bare feet and a dress made from the leaves of wild plants. Added benefit is that if the baby starts crying you can pick him up, bewildered, pretending you found him on the floor of the forest.
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Also, this is a humor/satire site so I apologize that none of these diaper bags is actually for sale! Although if you are really looking to buy one, I will make exceptions for the plastic grocery bag diaper bag and the one with the birds on it. The Corona box (so sorry!) we use to store our paper recycling and the banana one (so cute, isn’t it?) I have already eaten.
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