The Buy Buy Baby on 7th Avenue in Manhattan is a great place to go if you’re looking to have a full-blown panic attack. There are thousands of items lining the shelves and yet, as a new parent, it’s hard to tell what you’re actually going to need. You’re trying to get ready to bring home a newborn baby, but you’ve never had one of these before, and it’s hard to figure out what’s going to come in handy and what’s going to sit in the closet gathering dust and being eaten by mice.
To keep you from getting totally overwhelmed by the whole experience, I’ve compiled a list that cuts the unneeded fat from modern baby registries. What’s the stuff you’re going to really want? And really use? Look no further. Here’s a list of the top eight items every parent should own to make the first few months of parenthood as smooth as humanly possible.
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The Top 8 Items No New Parent Should Be Without
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1. Onesies That Look Like They Already Have Vomit On Them
Size Shown: 0-3 Months
Despite not putting any on your registry, the number of onesies you receive at your baby shower will be only slightly lower than the number of atoms in the known universe. That being said– what’s the point of adorable printed onesies that your child wears for 20 minutes before ruining them by vomiting down his own chest? The vomit-print onesie is designed with whimsical milk spit-up splatters allowing your guests to play the eternally-fun game, “Which are the real stains!?“
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2. A Device That Electrocutes You When You Tell Someone How “Wonderful” Having a Baby Is.
Please look at these photos of how happy we are. Please.
“It’s so magical,” you tell people. “He’s such a wonderful baby and I was excited to have a natural childbirth, and I’m just so blessed to be able to–” ZAP. “Hahahahaha, what was I saying? The other day it took me three hours to leave the apartment to buy a peach.”
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3. An Air Freshener That Makes Everything Smell Like Expired Breast Milk/Formula
The term air “freshener” may be a bit of a stretch.
Sometimes when my son was really young I would sniff the air and think, “Hey, did I leave an empty yogurt container lying in the sun for the past five weeks, or is that my sofa?” Enter the air-freshener that makes everything you own smell like an abandoned dairy farm since, spoiler alert, that’s what it’s going to smell like anyway.
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4. Maternity Pants With Built-In Urine Stains
Cough, laugh and sneeze to your heart’s content. As far as everyone around you is concerned, you’ve already peed your pants.
Woman You Just Met: “Oh, I think you…(gestures to your pants/indicates that you’ve wet yourself.)”
You: “No, they came like that!”
Woman You Just Met: “Those are SO CUTE.”
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5. Conversation Cards For When You’re Trying to Interact With People Who Do Not Have Children
You’ll be so cool and interesting, people might not even realize you have a baby.
Forgotten how to talk about anything other than the baby? Don’t beat yourself up! This pack of 52 cards will help you interact with your interesting, child-free friends who can still make conversation about the real, actual world!
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6. A Vacuum Cleaner That You Can Leave Running
Having owned one previously, I was so excited to finally have a use for it.
With all of the toys and music boxes and swings the stores encourage people to purchase, nothing quiets a crying baby like leaving the vacuum cleaner running. Actually vacuuming anything is optional, as you will probably not have the energy. Also, there are YouTube videos of people running vacuum cleaners for up to 12 hours at a time. See also: Hair dryers.
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7. A Changing Table That Self-Sanitizes Like One of Those French Public Toilets
No idea what one of these would look like since the technology companies have “been busy designing other things.”
I just don’t understand why these aren’t already being sold in every baby catalog on the planet, but if Google would take a few hours off from designing Google doodles celebrating the 145 anniversary of the toothpick they could absolutely get the patent for this thing.
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8. A Mask of Someone Holding it All Together
Everything is going GREAT.
Don’t want to walk through the grocery store sobbing for the third time this week? No worries! Head out the door wearing one of these and no one will ever know the difference.
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