If you would respond to this Craigslist ad, you are totally ready to have a baby.

Roommate(s) wanted to share cramped 2 Bedroom 1 Bathroom (Must pay for own utilities/wifi)

Hi!  I’m a young, high maintenance girl/guy looking for a roommate or roommates to share a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment in Jersey City.  Apartment is reasonably spacious for the area, close to restaurants/grocery stores/downtown/etc.   Washing machine/dishwasher included.   Southern exposure.  Good amount of closet space plus basement/storage.

Apartment is unfurnished—as in completely, completely unfurnished.   You are required to furnish my room (sleeping accommodations/rocking chair/etc) in addition to bringing your own bedroom/kitchen/living room furniture, as well as kitchen supplies (I don’t have any).  Also, I will be asking you to pay FULL RENT on the apartment.  I want to be super clear up front that I will be paying nothing and you will be paying everything, as I am currently not working.  I have no plans to work in the near future.

I have a super strict policy on chores which is that I will do none of them for several years and when I do eventually do a few of them I will do them shittily.  You guys are responsible for purchasing any cleaning products/toiletries/etc.   I constantly go to the bathroom in my clothes (bad habit—long story) and I will need one or both of you to clean up after me several times a day.   I have a condition that dramatically affects my motor skills/depth perception so I need a lot of help getting around/eating/cleaning up after myself.  I need assistance in being bathed regularly.  Your help in all of this is required but just a reminder that I cannot afford an in-home nurse and everything you do for me I will need you to do for free.

Our rooms are right next to each other.  I say this as another heads up, since a lot of the time I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming.  On nights when the screaming gets really bad, I may ask to sleep in your bed with you.   For some people this is a deal breaker so I just want to make sure I’m up front about everything!

I normally wake up between 4:30-7:30.  I’m on a super strict diet and FYI, you are going to be responsible for a.)purchasing both my and your groceries, and b.) feeding me several times a day.  This is non-negotiable.  Also, when you are not feeding me I’m going to need someone to constantly be around in case I need you…either you or a hired third party.  I’m home a lot and am preferably looking for a person/couple who doesn’t get out much at night or on the weekends.  If you do need to go somewhere in the evenings I’ll need you to pay someone in the interm to keep an eye on me and then spend your entire evening in a mild panic, wondering if I’m doing ok without you.  (I’m totally fine, but I’d like you to always worry, thx!)

About me:  I’m pretty simple/down-to-earth.  Unemployed.  Bi-polar.  Don’t know a lot of people in the area but I’m generally friendly as long as all of my needs are met.

I am looking for someone to sign a minimum 18 year lease.  There is a possibility of our switching apartments over that time but if so I will follow you to your new apartment and will continue with the same financial/living arrangement.   When the lease is up, I may continue to move back in with you sporadically, depending on my job situation.  If any of this is a problem, don’t bother responding to the ad.