I bought a new product the other day called “Motts for Tots,” which turned out to be more or less watered down apple juice. (And by “more or less watered down apple juice,” I mean “It was watered down apple juice.”) It was the same price as the regular apple juice.
So at first I thought it was sort of ridiculous. Sure, I didn’t want to give my son super sugary juice all the time, but why had I paid the same price for a bottle of apple juice that was only half apple juice and half water when I could have just purchased a bottle of regular apple juice and watered it down myself? I immediately started Googling phrases like, “Motts for Tots totally ridiculous” and “Motts for Tots are you f**king kidding me” and “Motts for Tots AM I THE CRAZY ONE HERE?” but found nothing other than an official-sounding Bloomberg news article on why Motts for Tots is terrific and totally great and how it was more or less revolutionizing the juice industry. So maybe it is secretly very wonderful and I am the lunatic. It would not be the first time.
Regardless, Motts for Tots is being sold in stores everywhere. Other companies are probably kicking themselves, wanting to jump on this bandwagon by selling fun but diluted versions of their regular products.
HOW CAN THEY GET STARTED? Do not worry, other companies. I have taken the liberty of brainstorming some ideas!
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Ice Cream Bites!
It’s like the experience of sharing an ice cream sandwich with a friend, but without the friend!
Don’t want to give your daughter a giant ice cream sandwich that’ll have her hyped up on sugar all evening? Try “Ice Cream Bites.” It’s like a regular ice cream sandwich, but there are a bunch of bites taken out of it so there’s less for her to eat! (For fun promotions you can have something called “Animal Bites” and the kids have to figure out what animal ate half their ice cream sandwich based on the tooth patterns/style of bite marks, with obviously the most coveted sandwich being the one bitten by a snake (easily identifiable by the large fang-holes). Low-fat fun for the whole family! Nom nom nom!
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Cookie-less Monster Box!
This monster of a box will have your stomach growling! (from the lack of cookies)
Get frustrated every time your child demands more and more cookies? Introducing, “Cookie-less Monster Box.” It’s an enormous, full-sized box with only one cookie in it. If your child eats it and says, “More!” you can good-naturedly shake your head and go, “There aren’t any more, buddy.”
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Limited Edition: Under the Sea Cheez Its
Tagline: Like Regular Cheez Its, only Gross
Have one of those children who would happily eat nothing but Cheez Its and/or Goldfish crackers for the rest of her life? Introduce her to Limited Edition: Under the Sea Cheez Its! “Under the Sea Cheez Its” are regular Cheez Its that have spent 6-8 months submerged in salt water and have become bloated, tasteless squares*. Let her try those on for size! After two or three soggy handfuls she’ll willingly consider eating a few carrots or even, God help her, a zucchini.
* “Bloated Tasteless Squares” is also a great description of some of the people I’ve met at parties while “networking.”
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Cotton Candy Slim Pickin’s
Also sold as “Cotton Candy: Propecia Edition”
I love cotton candy, even though the older I get the more it reminds me of the inside of my bagless vacuum. But after eating it for a while most people go, “Ok, that’s enough of that.” (i.e. “Hey, I can feel my teeth dissolving.”)
Enter, “Cotton Candy Slim Pickin’s,” which is a white paper cone with a few tufts of spun sugar sticking off it like stray patches of armpit hair. If your kids protest that they want more tell them to get a grip, do they even realize how lucky they are that you let them have cotton candy at all? My mother would never buy me cotton candy.
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“Whoa whoa whoa, easy on the M&Ms, OK?”
Melts in your mouth, not in your hand, and also occasionally chips your teeth
Ever buy a family-sized bag of M&Ms only to watch your kid pour an enormous pile into his hands and you’re like “Whoa buddy, take it back a notch?”
Introducing, “Whoa whoa whoa, easy on the M&Ms, OK?” A family-size bag of M&Ms that’s 1/3 M&Ms and 2/3 M&M-sized wooden pellets that are painted to look like M&Ms. Not only is there less overall candy for your child to consume (thus decreasing her sugar intake) but the fact that she’ll keep chomping down on the hard wooden pellets will force her to slow down and eat the M&Ms one at a time, thus teaching her restraint.
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Less Pretzels!
Hey buddy—remember how I normally give you a whole bunch of pretzels? Here’s less pretzels than I usually give you! It’s exactly the same bag of pretzels, there’s just less of them in there.
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Fewer Pretzels!
Hahahahaha, I’m totally kidding that I would ever call a product “Less Pretzels.” Obviously the name of the product would be “Fewer Pretzels.” You say less if it’s something you can’t individually count and fewer if it’s something countable. Does that make sense? So you’d say “fewer minutes” but “less time.” You’d say “fewer pretzels” but “less food.” Everyone got it? Great.
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A Pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Air on the side of Caution”
This tentatively delicious mix is a third French Vanilla ice cream and two thirds air, meaning that at most your children are eating a third of a pint of ice cream.
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All Gone Snax!
Get ready for a health-capade! All Gone Snax is an empty box of whatever it is your kids desperately want, designed to look like someone finished it and then thoughtlessly put the empty box back in the pantry. Man, what a disappointment!
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and lastly…
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FROSTING OUTRAGE!!!!
FROSTING OUTRAGE! is a jar of frosting you can buy for your kids that’s completely filled with freeze dried broccoli. Enjoy pretending to be COMPLETELY AGHAST when you open it because oh my god, what a cruel prank, right? Packaging freeze-dried vegetables in frosting containers? Someone needs to notify the FDA. *WINK*
Thanks to FROSTING OUTRAGE! you and your child can sit down together to write an angry letter to the manufacturer because we are never more united than when we are united against a common enemy. Also, in this situation, not only is your child not eating ANY SUGAR AT ALL, he or she is improving his letter-writing skills and learning about consumer culture. This product is, hands down, a win on all fronts.
The End
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If you enjoyed this post, please “like” The Ugly Volvo on Facebook or Twitter because clicking “like” is no skin off your nose and OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE SKIN ON YOUR NOSE– I AM SO SORRY, I HAD NO IDEA THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU, IT LOOKS GHASTLY.
Also, I am aware that if you water down your child’s juice you only get 50% of the vitamin C (Motts for Tots adds additional Vitamin C so that kids get 100% of their vitamin C from it.) Which is a good point except that children are not 18th century scurvy-ridden sailors in the mid-Atlantic, i.e. there are other places they can get vitamin C. A few of them will consider eating a strawberry. Some will eat oranges, as long as they are distributed during a soccer game. And despite the fact that they look like weirdly hairy testicles, kiwis are fairly delicious. And if they absolutely refuse, I myself have found several brands of multi-vitamins that are, for all intents and purposes, gummi bears.
OH MY GOD, ARE YOU STILL READING? TAKE CARE OF YOUR UNGODLY SKINLESS NOSE, IT LOOKS TERRIBLE. REMEMBER MEL GIBSON IN “MAN WITHOUT A FACE?” YOU LOOK LIKE THAT. PLEASE GO SEE A DOCTOR. You can scroll through the rest of my Facebook page while you’re in the waiting room waiting for the nurse to call you in.
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