Most of us who live in urban areas have experienced this at one point or another. You’re walking down the sidewalk and a woman pushing a stroller the size of a military aircraft is hurtling toward you at breakneck speed, unable to see you because her eyes are glued to her smartphone. And as you narrowly avoid a collision, grimacing as the metal frame of the stroller grazes your work pants, you mutter,
“Jesus Christ, is she trying to fucking kill me?”
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Yes. She is.
Women with strollers are absolutely trying to kill you, and the more expensive the stroller, the more determined the woman is to leave your body bloody and lifeless on the sidewalk outside Whole Foods. Walking through Tribeca on a Sunday afternoon is a Manhattan version of Pamplona’s “Running of the Bulls.” Hundreds of women are released onto the sidewalks, frantically sniffing the air as their strollers tear locals and tourists limb from limb in an explosively bloody spectacle which ends with Greenwich Street strewn with bodies, reminiscent of a Civil War Battlefield. Once after violently taking out a 30-something-year-old gentleman in gray slacks and a white button-down, I saw a woman pull down the sunshade on her stroller so her infant wouldn’t see as she put her fist through the man’s chest and ate his heart.
While I don’t have time to run through every stroller on the market, here are a few to watch out for.
The Bugaboo Cameleon
Women pushing this stroller are so bloodthirsty they can’t even watch “The Walking Dead” or “Game of Thrones” because they consider those shows “too tame,” opting instead to just watch live footage of people putting nails through their own eyes and screaming as they bleed out. Women with the double stroller are nine times more deadly than whatever that virus was that killed everyone in the 2011 movie “Contagion.” In addition, this stroller is sometimes available in “limited edition” fabrics. If you encounter a woman pushing a Bugaboo Cameleon upholstered in something trendy like khaki-colored denim or sunwashed burlap know that for all intents and purposes, you are already dead.
The Citi Mini Baby Jogger
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Women who purchase this stroller will kill you quickly. With its signature “tri-wheel formation” the Citi Mini acts like a circular saw, flaying innocent people on cigarette breaks, capable of taking down a grown man in his prime. You will know when one is ahead of you by the three-wheeled trail of blood it leaves on the sidewalk. The type of women owning this stroller are often very athletic, and if they are not of a mind to kill you with their stroller, they will kill you with their yoga-strengthened body, the same way Famke Janssen crushes that guy with her thighs in whatever James Bond movie that was where she did that. Women with Citi Minis are more down-to-earth, which does not mean they will not kill you but means they will do it in a friendlier, more down-to-earth way. Your death will be quick because they have to take their kids to Gymboree and are also hoping to pick up an egg white/bagel sandwich sort of thing if they have time.
The Uppa Baby Vista
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This stroller became incredibly popular for its enormous under-carriage basket, which is often used to carry human body parts taken as trophies. After the stroller’s innate popularity amongst murderous women became obvious, UppaBaby began offering points for civilians taken down by their product, ranging from ten points for “distracted and slightly annoying tourists” to 90 points for “men working in finance.” It is only five points for “normal people just minding their own business,” but Uppa Baby women will try to take them down all the same. The points can be mailed back to Uppa Baby and redeemed for cool stroller accessories like the snack tray and the “buggy board” which also, obviously, double as weapons. I myself own a less expensive version of this stroller, which I got in dark red because I figured it would hide the blood stains.
Any of those Chicco/Graco strollers with the Backwards Infant Car Seat
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These women want to kill you but are not positive as to how. Their strollers are large but clumsy—they will hit you head-on hoping to knock you to the ground before trampling you or awkwardly beating you over the head with a second, umbrella-style stroller that they keep in the basket of their first stroller. If attacked, you have a 60% chance of surviving an encounter with one of these strollers.
The MacLaren Stroller
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May God have mercy on your soul. Women pushing these strollers, rather than kill their victims outright, have been known to take them prisoner, holding them in dank basements and feeding them diets containing only unhealthy, saturated fats. “What’s that?” they’ll say laughing, blood dripping from the corners of their mouths, “You want avocado?” And that is when they will cackle wickedly and have one of their friends from book group hold open your mouth while they pour high fructose corn syrup down your throat. You will cry yourself to sleep each night, shivering in one of their children’s outdated camp T-shirts, only to have the door open the next morning and your tormentor greet you with a cereal high in sugar. They will feed you nothing but unhealthy processed foods and you will die slowly, over the course of several decades, most likely of heart disease.
THIS STROLLER, Which Someone In My Neighborhood Has
I cannot even convey the size of this stroller except to say it is slightly smaller than a three bedroom apartment. If I had the choice to confront the woman pushing this stroller or throw myself in front of a train, I would jump in front of the train before she was even finished sharpening the 9 inch hunting knife she so obviously keeps in her purse.