If I Worked For Google, This is What I’d Invent

I had a post a few months ago about how I was sort of worried that my son wasn’t walking yet.  In case anyone is keeping track, he started walking about two weeks ago and never looked back.  Which is why I’d love to see the people at Google get to work on a special Google Maps-type app for the parents of young toddlers.


google baby

  • The Grocery Store

1. Head Northwest on Newark Ave toward Jersey Avenue      

2.  Make a Right onto Jersey Avenue

3.  Continue 4.2 feet toward A Dead Caterpillar

4.  Attempt to eat remains of caterpillar (not permitted)

5.  Two minutes crying

6.  Walk one block to 2nd Street before turning around for no apparent reason and walking back to 1st Street

7.  Walk toward a window of a Real Estate Office and enthusiastically bang on glass, yelling, “BAY-BEE.  BAY-BEE.”

8.  Continue toward 3rd Street.

9.  Back toward 2nd Street (unexplained).

10.  Attempt to walk off the curb, onto Jersey Avenue to the cries of “NO NO NO NO, STAY ON THE SIDEWALK!”

11.  Follow small dog 200 ft. along Jersey Avenue to 5th Street while chanting the word “Cat.”

12.  Follow mildly-diseased Pigeon back toward 4th Street.

13.  Walk in circle for ten minutes saying “Babababababababa” to nobody.

14.  Get picked up and carried as far as 6th street before crying hysterically and wrestling yourself free of parent’s arms.

15.  Follow butterfly back and forth between 5th and 6th street while (again) enthusiastically saying the word “Cat.”

16.  Attempt to walk after a truck that turns onto 6th street and, when forbidden to walk down 6th street, sit down in the middle of the sidewalk muttering, “Truck.  Gone.  Truck.  Gone.”

17.  Continue 100 feet toward 7th street, following a baby stroller.  Spend 10 minutes smiling at baby and/or eating the food off the stroller’s food tray

18.   Stop between 7th and 8th street for literally no reason.

19.  Walk 20 feet and repeatedly attempt to climb the steps of an apartment building that is not your apartment building

20.  Continue 100 feet toward park, stopping briefly to pick up a wet graham cracker and an empty Doritos bag you encounter on the sidewalk.  You have arrived at your destination .

  • Arrive At Park That Is 8 Blocks Away

Distance Covered: 0.5 Miles
Estimated Time: 9 hours, 20 minutes


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google baby theuglyvolvo
A whimsical drawing of my son chasing a butterfly.



  1. This was exactly like my trip to the mall today. It took us 15 minutes to just walk through Macy’s. I was gonna write about that today. You have inspired me!! Hilarious post!!

  2. Ha! Very funny post TUV. I can just picture it happening exactly like that.

  3. This is spot on. Though you forgot, “walk around in a small circle until dizzy, then fall down, then scream, ‘Boo boo! Boo boo!'” Repeat. (Or that may just be my experience…)

  4. Ah, the whimsical world of toddlers! I love it. I remember it fondly with my first two and am rapidly hurtling toward it with my third.

  5. This would definitely be a good use of 20% time. Any Google-ers paying attention?


  6. I am torn between what is the most brilliant app idea of I have seen so far…THIS – which is so sadly and beautifully and humorously accurate or the GPS voice command using Homer Simpson OR Cookie Monster. decisions…decisions

  7. Avatar

    Linda Smith

    I thoroughly enjoy your blog. Thanks for lightening my day!

  8. Wow, only 9 hours 20 minutes. A new record!

  9. EXACTLY, THIS!!! haha!

  10. Thanks for reminding me of how awesome it is to be toddler-free.

  11. Isn’t it interesting how different our journey from one place to another is after we have children! I hope google listens to your suggestions. :)

  12. What a lovely post! You remind me of “The little prince”.

  13. Crying laughing. So funny and so damn true. Toddlers are 100% on board with that whole “life is a journey” situation. Possibly because they can never remember the destination for more than three seconds at a go.

  14. My toddler days were a very long time ago, but what worked wonderfully – and made getting places at least a little faster – was a plastic motor scooter. One of those that the child moves by pushing their feet against the ground. I’d put a harness and leash on my girl and away we’d go – and when she was tired, she picked up her legs and let me drag her. Works a treat on level surfaces!

  15. Spot on, that is my life.

  16. This is absolute truth, Doritos bag and all. There was some video a while back of dancers following a toddler’s movements, and it is unbelievable how much up and down those little bodies go through in a matter of minutes. Hope you patent this idea!

  17. Love it!

  18. Too funny! I often work with a class of kindergarteners and they never seem to walk in a straight line…it’s more like a herd of small children, each doing their own thing, moving slowly down the hall. Except for the ones who run ahead, of course :]

  19. LOVE your post!! Reminds me so much of my own young uns! Thanks!

  20. We live across the street from a park and even with carrying him 4/5 of the way, it takes 15 minutes to get there because of that last 1/5 of him walking. This would be very useful!

  21. Yes. This. Many times, this.

    I used to wonder what the toddler 100m world record would be…at least 2hrs, 41mins is still my guess.

    Congrats on the walking though! Nothing like wishing for something and then having to follow it around at a glacial pace thinking that life was so much easier when you were just freaking IMMOBILE ALREADY.


    Of course.

  22. Oh my goodness I’m trying so hard not to laugh while baby is sleeping. My little girl is just beginning her toddler-tude and this has me in tears, I’m silent laughing so hard. Thanks for the laugh!

  23. Don’t forget the construction site on 4th down near Monmouth. Every time the excavator dumps some dirt, we have to clap our hands. “More? More? More?”

  24. Someone understands my pain!

  25. This is exactly like my day everyday! Too funny!

  26. Nice. You made my day with your post!
    You forgot 21: The baby shits his diaper!

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