Being Pregnant Turns You Into an Ethereal Wood Nymph

The best part of being pregnant, aside from looking at photos of cute nurseries online and obviously how excited your mom is going to be, is that for the better part of a year you turn from a human being into a beautiful, ethereal wood nymph. You will shed your dull human form of whatever you were before (Dental Hygenist. Customer Support Associate at Zappos) and watch in fascination as your belly grows round with the power of woodland magic!

1. How do I know if I have turned/am turning into an ethereal wood nymph?

If you have recently turned into an ethereal wood nymph, others will sense your transformation and ask, “May I lay my hands across your belly to feel the power of the life inside ye?” and honestly sometimes they will not even bother to ask, but either way, it is because you are no longer human, but a mystical forest creature that can bring forth life. If you are still uncertain, obtain a stick from the floor of the woods. Urinate onto the stick and wait for 3 minutes with the absorbent tip facing up. If the stick explodes into a rainfall of cherry blossoms, you are with child!

2. What are some of the side effects of turning into a magical, ethereal wood nymph?

You may start to notice your singing will cause larks and bluebirds to perch on nearby branches, warbling sweetly in response to your voice. When you cry, flowers pop up where your tears land and you will attire yourself in flowing dresses woven from gossamer threads, which will have magically replaced a lot of your timeless Ann Taylor Loft stuff. Possibly there will be nausea or some cramping.

3. I’m fairly level headed and not really into the whole “earth mother” thing. Is there a way to avoid having this happen to me?

The call of the wilderness is beyond your control, do not blame yourself! Whereas you began your pregnancy as a mid-level executive at a tech company, you will end it in a hallowed grove of trees, the humming of Keurigs replaced by the chatter of animals exclaiming, “A child! She is to bring forth a child!” as they weave you a cloak of ferns and lichens and place wildflowers in your hair.

4. Ok,but I have really bad seasonal allergies and can’t be outside that much. Am I absolutely tied to the whole living in the woods idea? Can I still live in a regular house post-transformation?

I am sorry, no, the forest is your home now. Post-transformation you will live in a hollow tree or the sanctuary of a thicket, but birds will extend their wings to shelter you and the deer will gently bow their necks over you as you sleep, your iconic body littered with rose petals and curled on a bed of moss.

5. I’m sorry, this just sounds like total f***king nonsense.

While to the uninitiated this may sound frightening, once you are with child it will sound as beautiful and natural as the song of the wind.

6. All right, fine. If it gets cold at night will I have anything warm to wear besides these translucent scarves?

No, but your skin will become hot with the fire of impending motherhood and also possibly you could cuddle up next to a bear or something. A lot of this is open to interpretation.

7. Ok, but I have a job and a lot of responsibilities—for how long will I be consigned to the forest after the birth?

Not till the fourth full moon following the child’s birth may you return to the cities of man. As you wait for the arrival of your child, you may walk meaningfully through fields of tall grasses, seeking a place where you might lay down upon a bed of straw and bring life forth into the world. If ye findeth an epidural lying betwitxt the low branches, ye may use it, unless thou art not into that in which case it is totally ok if you would rather not use it and also if the labor be troublesome and a C-section is needed, that is also fine.

8. So a qualified doctor will show up to help me deliver the baby or how does this work?

A field mouse will serve as your midwife, whispering reassurance, cooling your forehead with a moist towel, or if there are no towels in the forest maybe just like some wet leaves or whatever’s around. There will at times be some discomfort. You will deliver the baby in a shallow woodland pool, the silence of the trees punctured only by the distant flutes of the god Pan and mellifluous harp music playing through a loudspeaker disguised as a rock.

9. And then that’s it with all the ethereal wood nymph forest stuff and I can just be a regular person again?

No, once you have borne a child you will never again be just a regular person again but if you are asking if you might leave the forest and return to a place where you might have normal shelter/help with the baby/occasional social media access, yes you are free to return to your old life.

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Hi. If you enjoyed this post I have a lovely book that makes a wonderful baby shower gift for anyone about to go through this ethereal transformation. If you are headed to a baby shower in the near future, the book is called Welcome to the Club: 100 Parenting Milestones You Never Saw Coming and you can buy it at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Indiebound.

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