There are certain toys in my house that engender fervent disgust. 90% of these toys fall into these three categories:
- Stuff my kids got in a goody bag
- Stuff my kids “won,” because they behaved at the dentist/did some assignment in school/won some terrible contest/were briefly in an arcade
- Stuff which broke/stopped working years ago but which my kids insist that we cannot get rid of.
I keep all of these things in a set of IKEA drawers in the corner of my living room and quietly dream of being brave enough to throw them away. Here is a partial list of items, which can be read to the tune of “My Favorite Things” in a newscaster-style voice (I use Dan Rather, but you can pick whatever newscaster you want).
That’s really it, which (admittedly) feels a little weird. I don’t really have a lot to say about this stuff, I just truly, passionately hate it and want to throw all of it on a bonfire.
*. *. *
My Least Favorite Things
Small plastic slinkys that don’t work as slinkys
Fingertraps kids use to lock up my pinkies.
Cheap 2-piece hedgehog some Kinder Egg brings
These are a few of my least favorite things.
Fidget-Spin-Pop-It he’s always adjusting
GROSS TACTILE GEL BALLS (SO F***ING DISGUSTING)
Styrofoam airplane with non-working wings
These are a few of my least favorite things.
Themed rubber ducks and an LED rave glove
Wall-sticking throw hand I cannot get rid of
Yo-yos with 23 knots in their strings
These are a few of my least favorite things.
When the bee bites. When the dog stings.
When the internet signal is “weak”
I simply remember my least favorite things
and they usually ruin my week.
Small plastic frogs and mechanical pencil
Old, broken glow stick that seems non essential????
Plastic hand-clapper with loud, shitty noise
Why are we still holding on to these toys?
We’ve had this for two years, so please can I toss it.
Or run this gross unicorn under the faucet
Dismembered doll leg with small foosball teams
Keychain with lips that keeps haunting my dreams.
When my kids ask,
“WHERE’S MY DOLL LEG????”
And they seem so sad,
I’ll reveal I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away,
and then they won’t feel
so bad.
*. *. *
HONORABLE MENTIONS (AKA THINGS THAT DIDN’T MAKE IT INTO THE SONG)
*. *. *
Thanks for reading. If you know someone (with a sense of humor) who’s either pregnant or struggling through raising a baby, please feel free to buy them a copy of my book, linked to HERE, or if you don’t want to use Amazon, HERE.
If you have your own house full of cheap, horrific garbage and want to tell me about them, you can leave a comment either here or on my Facebook Page.
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