So one of the things that made me the most nervous about having a baby was not being able to tell why he was crying. And I read plenty of articles and talked to plenty of experienced mothers who said, “Don’t worry! Your maternal instinct will kick in and you’ll be able to figure out why he’s crying.” And I’m not particularly maternal so I was terrified that it wouldn’t kick in but they assured me, “Once you’ve been around him a while it’s easy to tell what sort of cry it is.”
And it’s been seven months now and they were right! Deciphering a baby’s cries is so, so simple! Here are 10 of the most basic cries with visual and auditory tips on how to easily identify them!
1. HE’S HUNGRY
You can tell by the shape of his mouth and the prolonged screaming that he wants food.
Your baby is hungry. Feed him. He’ll stop crying.
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2. HE’S TIRED
Look at the tightly clenched eyes and forehead in this photo. Easy giveaway that he’s tired.
Your baby is tired. Put him down and let him sleep.
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3. THE GIANTS LOST
“Hey, these are all the same photo,” you’re saying. No they aren’t. Clearly you just aren’t good at detecting small changes in your baby’s responses yet. It will come with time!
Football season? Looks like your baby is a Giants fan. Sorry, little baby. This doesn’t look like it’s going to be their year.
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4. HE JUST WATCHED LES MISERABLES AND GOT UPSET WHEN FANTINE DIED
Are you paying close attention to the position of the eyebrows? Because this one is a total giveaway.
Your child may be overly sentimental. Keep him away from Lars Von Trier films and the ending to “Marley and Me.”
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5. HIS DIAPER IS DIRTY
“But they’re all the same picture!” you keep saying. Nope. Not even close. Look how his nostrils flare in this shot. Clear indication that he’s crapped all over himself.
This is a pretty common problem. If you have trouble identifying the cry you should have no trouble figuring out the smell.
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6. HE’S NERVOUS GEORGE R.R. MARTIN WON’T FINISH THE GAME OF THRONES NOVELS BEFORE HE DIES AND WE’LL NEVER FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS.
This one is super easy to identify because the baby is in a total abject panic.
It’s a scary thought, isn’t it? George R.R. Martin keels over from a heart attack and we never learn who wins the battle for the iron throne? I have trouble handling this as an adult– imagine being a baby who can’t even fully process his own emotions?
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7. HE KEEPS LOSING AT JENGA
“It’s the same picture!” you’re yelling. “Look at the person with the baby– they’re wearing the exact same shirt. They’re in the exact same position. It’s the same f*%king picture.” Stay calm. Hang in there. You’ll be able to see all these differences eventually.
You’re playing Jenga with him before he’s mastered his fine motor skills? That’s cruel. He can barely put little pieces of puffed cereal in his mouth without poking himself in the eye fifteen times. It’s no wonder he’s upset.
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8. THE BRONCOS LOST
This is a really obvious cry. Look how tense his entire head is here. He’s obviously really upset about this.
No they didn’t. As of writing this post the Broncos are 5-0. They look like the team to beat this year. Maybe he just had a bad dream.
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9. HE’S UPSET ABOUT ALL THOSE MONTSANTO LAWSUITS
Are you starting to see some of the minute differences yet? You are, right? Of course you are! It’s so easy once you practice a little.
Montsanto won yet another lawsuit? Are they determined to put every small farmer out of business? How could he NOT cry about this sometimes? Although sometimes I think it’s his Montsanto cry and it turns out he’s upset about the Military Industrial complex. No parent is perfect at this all the time, right? Maybe try not to let him watch “Food Inc.” so often.
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10. HE’S STILL UPSET THAT KING’S SPEECH WON THE OSCAR OVER INCEPTION.
It’s the lines around his mouth on this one, isn’t it? Sometimes it’s so obvious it’s almost like he’s speaking to me.
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