Should I Have a Baby or Eat a Toblerone?

Found yourself at a crossroads and terrified of going in the wrong direction?  Not sure if you should have kids or just eat a Toblerone?  Life is full of twists and turns!  Write to us for advice!

Hi, I’m a woman in my late 20’s.   I’ve been married for 3 years but we fight a lot and it seems to be getting worse rather than better.  I felt like if I got pregnant it might help give our relationship an anchor—something we both love that would bring us closer together??  What should I do?

Solution:  EAT A TOBLERONE

Thanks for writing.  If you’re really worried about your relationship, a fun thing might be to eat a Toblerone Lady-and-the-Tramp style, each of you starting at one end of the Toblerone while you gaze into each other’s eyes and then later your partner could roll a separate Toblerone toward you with his nose?  (Hard though, because Toblerones are triangular and will not roll easily.)  Probably do not have a baby though, sorry!

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Hello!  A lot of my friends have settled down and started families and I feel like I’m behind—like I’m somehow less of an adult than people (even people younger than I am) who have started families.  I want to finally feel like I’m a real grownup.  Advice?

Solution: DEFINITELY JUST EAT A TOBLERONE

Eating Toblerone is the quintessential adult activity!  Do you regularly see little kids walking around eating Toblerone?  If you answer, “Yeah, all the time!” then maybe you should just be thankful you have the money to visit Europe so often.  Eating a Toblerone will make you feel like an adult, whereas having children will more likely make you feel like an anxiety-ridden basket case with a minivan full of rotting fruit.  Hope this helps!

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Hi, I love my job but don’t have children.  I’m worried that I’m going to throw myself into my work my whole life and find that when I’m old there’ll be no one to take care of me. 

Solution:  OBVIOUSLY THE ANSWER IS STILL EAT A TOBLERONE

Look, I’m not sure what line of work you’re in, but have you ever thought of getting a job with Mondelez International, the parent company that owns Toblerone?  Because that might offer you more financial stability than two children who will use up all your resources and then throw you away like a sheet of one-ply toilet paper in a truck stop restroom.  I have two children and am fully prepared to die in a field somewhere, to be devoured by vultures, probably.  I harbor zero illusions that either of my kids will ever be able to take care of me, nor do I even know what the world will be like when they’re my age and I’m sitting in some sort of futuristic wheelchair, grinding down my dentures (my regular teeth having succumbed years prior to Toblerone-related decay).

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Hello and looking for advice!  I don’t have kids but I love my job and my life.  I travel a lot and have a good circle of friends, many of whom also don’t have kids.  We have awesome talks about pop culture and art and books and human nature and life.  It would be hard to give up the amount of freedom I have to settle down and raise a family.  I hope to one day retire in Miami with a series of quirky housemates who (like me) have always loved the Golden Girls, never feeling angry or bitter that my child who I think about all the time isn’t calling me and instead, being fully able to enjoy my existence.  I am also extremely allergic to nuts.

Solution:  I AM SO SORRY, UNFORTUNATELY IN THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION YOU WILL NEED TO HAVE A BABY

I am so, so sorry, but as Toblerone contains almonds, you should almost definitely have a baby.  I almost never give this advice to people, but depending on the severity of your allergy, having even a small piece of Toblerone would be extremely unwise.  I apologize profusely for the loss of your freedom.

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 If you’re headed to a baby shower (or you’re in that year of your life where you’re headed to literally nine baby showers every weekend) please consider picking up and gifting the new parents a copy of my book, Welcome to the Club: 100 Parenting Milestones You Never Saw Coming, which you can purchase through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Indiebound.  If you’re curious as to whether you yourself should have a baby or eat a Toblerone, feel free to comment below and/or e-mail me at BabyOrToblerone@gmail.com.  Also, you can follow The Ugly Volvo on Facebook or Twitter, if those are websites in which you are emotionally invested.

Thank you for reading.