Having a Baby vs. Watching the first three seasons of “Game of Thrones.”

VS.

So maybe you’ve been considering having a baby and you’re at that weird point in your life where you’re going, “Do I really want to have a baby right now?  Or do I think I want a baby when what I really want is to watch seasons 1 through 3 of Game of Thrones?”  Do I want to create and be responsible for a human life from birth through early adulthood or do I want to see a show based on a George R.R. Martin fantasy novel?  Here are some of the questions you may already have been considering.

Which one will be more exciting?

As far as general excitement, the first three seasons of Game of Thrones are more exciting than having a baby.  And to be really specific, when I say “having a baby,” I just mean having one around the house that you recently gave birth to.  If you are going to compare Game of Thrones to literally HAVING a baby, as in “the act of giving birth to a baby,” then maybe they are equally exciting, although giving birth to a baby is decidedly less fun.  Both are extremely bloody and involve an uncomfortable amount of nudity.  Both involve screaming.  One involves beautiful medieval-style costumes and the other involves possibly pooping yourself, so really it depends on what you’re into.

Which one will other people get more excited about when I tell them about it?

So in fairness, this depends on the people you plan to tell.  If you are talking to your parents’ friends, most of them will be more excited about your having a baby because they want to buy it dozens of small outfits that say things like, “Mommy’s Little Monster!” and “I’m Having a Whale of a Time!”  If you ask your cool non-child-having friends they will pretend to be more excited about the baby but they will not-so-secretly be WAY more excited that you are watching Game of Thrones.  They will ask a few polite questions about your pregnancy like, “So, are you throwing up a lot?” and “Are you sure you can quit drinking for 9 months?” before leaning in excitedly and asking, “SO WAIT, WHAT SEASON ARE YOU ON??”

Which of the two is more stressful?

Game of Thrones is a magical world in which people are regularly stabbed, strangled, raped or beheaded.  Sometimes small children or babies are brutally murdered.  You will watch a bloody, ongoing struggle for the Iron Throne in which ruthless characters both literally and figuratively stab each other in the back.  This being said, obviously having a baby is way more stressful.  No one from Game of Thrones will wake you up every two to three hours in the middle of the night because they are hungry or tired or sad.  The Game of Thrones characters will not poop so much you have to change their animal skin tunics four times in as many hours (although I cannot vouch for what will happen in upcoming seasons).  You do not have to put any of the Game of Thrones characters through college and none of them will approach you, whining, and ask you when you’re going to buy them an iPad because “all the other characters from Game of Thrones have iPads.”

Which is a better financial decision?

As of last year it cost a middle income family $235,000 to raise a child from birth to age 17.  Depending on your provider, HBO costs between 15 and 20 dollars a month.

Which one is better if I am sort of squeamish?

If you are sort of squeamish you are wholly unsuited for either of these things.  Get a job as a paralegal and spend your free time watching “The Big Bang Theory.”

Ok, but I feel like my body is telling me to have a child.

Look, if you really want to have children, you should have a child.  But bear in mind, at least once a day “my body is telling me” to eat an entire cookie cake.

What are some of the major similarities/differences between Game of Thrones (Seaons 1 – 3) and Having a Baby?

See enclosed chart:

Which one will bring me more happiness and fulfillment in the long run?

Hey, I’m not you.  I’m not even sure how I’ll feel “in the long run” because I’ve only been raising a child for three months and I’m not great at it.  Frankly, I’m surprised I found the time to write this blog entry.  But here’s my advice.  If you have wanted to have a child ever since you were little—if you have a strong support network and a comfortable nest egg and the patience of someone recently canonized by the Catholic church, you should totally have a kid.  Go for it!  Have two!  But if you’re going, “I kind of want a kid but I’m still at the point in my life where once a week I’m dropping 80 to 100 dollars on designer leggings,” then hey, maybe you should just hang out and watch TV and enjoy life for a while.  And yet…AND YET,  here is the best part.  Sometimes people who had always wanted a kid and who appear to have the resources to raise one wind up hating having a kid or being terrible at it and sometimes the people who spend more in a week on leggings than I spend on food turn out to be amazing, wonderful parents.  So really, just do whatever the hell you want to do and you’ll probably be fine.  I have no idea what I’m talking about– I have only had a kid for three months.  But regardless, WILL YOU PLEASE WATCH THE FIRST THREE SEASONS OF GAME OF THRONES SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT?