Your Pinterest account is beating you over the head with “Creative things you can make using mason jars!” but you are tired of mason jars.  You’re not interested in making them into soap dispensers or light fixtures or cups because you already own all those things and do not need new, “mason jar versions” of things that work fine.

“I’ve just never been crafty,” you say.  “And I am just not that into making things out of mason jars,” you continue politely.  You were given one once and think it is pretty– you use it as a cup to hold pens and would like it to end there.  But the world will not accept that as an answer.  “Here are some mason jars,” the world insists.  “Incorporate mason jars into your life and when you are done doing that start making bookshelves out of shipping pallets and pretending spiralized zucchini is pasta and everything is going to fall right into place.”

“Fine,” you say, gritting your teeth.  “You want me to be that person?  You want me to do things with mason jars?  I will do things with mason jars.”

Great!  We’re so happy you finally saw the light!  And to help you get started, we’ve compiled a super helpful list of:

10 of the Easiest, Most Creative Mason Jar Crafts that the Other Mason Jar Craft Sites Aren’t Showing You!!

#1.  DIY Firefly Graveyard

Helping your kids get in touch with nature?  Let them experience the magic of walking around on a beautiful summer night, catching fireflies in a mason jar, and waking up to find them all dead the following morning.  Spruce up a simple mason jar with a little paper tombstone that reads “R.I.P., fireflies that I told my kids they could keep in a jar with two holes in the lid for air and a leaf as food as if I know the first thing about re-creating any sort of firefly biosphere.”

 

#2.  Absolute Cutest Way to Bring Poop Samples to the Vet

Is there anything more depressing than picking up your dog’s bowel movement and scooping it into a gauche, veterinarian-supplied plastic container?  Take this chore up a notch with a mason jar tied with grossgain ribbon and we promise, your vet will be talking about it for months!  (By “it” we mean talking about how you’re the nut job who showed up with dog feces in a mason jar, but talking about you nonetheless, and really isn’t the point just to be noticed??!?)

 

#3.  Hurling Mason Jars at the Wall While Crying

“I JUST FEEL LIKE MY WHOLE LIFE IS A SERIES OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY AND ERRANDS AND MEALS NO ONE APPRECIATES. (sob)  I JUST CLEAN UP A SERIES OF MESSES AND THEN GO TO WORK AND COME HOME AND…SERIOUSLY, IT’S LIKE NO ONE EVEN NOTICES THAT I’M %&*KING ALIVE HALF THE TIME??”

(Hurls mason jar against the wall)

“Oh wow, this is the craziest thing, but I actually feel so much better after doing that.”

 

 #4.  Totally Cute Way to Trap Spiders Until Someone Else Gets Home

Looks super cute, but if mason jars are too small and you’re uncomfortable being that close to the spiders, you can try this with a larger, wide-mouth jar or, depending on the size of the spider, a child’s wading pool.

 

#5.  “Message in a Bottle” Cry for Help

One of my absolute favorite things to do with mason jars is to write out a note on super-cute stationery that says something like, “Dear Whoever Finds This Message!  I am trapped on what sometimes feels like a deserted island but is actually a cluttered 3 bedroom/2 bath in a neighborhood with reasonably good schools.  I have enough food and water but very little meaningful social interaction and few, if any, creative outlets.  If you find this note, my cell phone is 314-555-5555.  Please call and have a conversation with me that somehow incorporates the knowledge acquired when I got my master’s degree.”

And then take that note and put it in a sealed, waterproof mason jar and toss it into a nearby river, ocean, public pool—wherever you think it’ll be found.  Good luck!

 

#6.  Perry Mason Jar

A TV producer is charged after an actor is shot during a staged gunfight; guests Erle Stanley Gardner, Dick Clark, Jackie Coogan.

Perry looks into the killing of a beautiful blackmailer; guests Fay Wray, Gary Collins.

This is just a jar filled with synopses of old Perry Mason episodes but probably it would be a really cute conversation piece, right?  I guess leave it on a bookshelf or something?  Who wouldn’t love one of these???

 

#7.  Cute Way to Store That Gross Piece of Fruit Your Toddler Keeps Handing You Because He’s Like “I’m done.  I’m done eating it,” And You’re Like, “I want to see you eat a little more of that plum before we have any more crackers,” And He’s Like “Here.  Take it,” And You’re Like, “Ugh, I don’t want to hold this, this is gross.”

Tired of soiling your hands with your toddler’s uneaten pieces of gross fruit but don’t want to throw the fruit away (because it’s good fruit and they might eat it later!) and don’t want to put it somewhere lame like a plastic bag because it somehow makes you feel like you’ve failed?  There’s no cuter way to store a half-chewed nectarine than in a tiny, cute mason jar before inevitably throwing it in the garbage 30 minutes later. In a way it would almost look like you’re making some sort of jam which, I heard through the grapevine, was one of the things for which Mason Jars were once used.  How cool!!

 

#8.  Trendy, Martha Stewart-Themed Bar Fight

Two women walk into a high-end spot in Greenwich, CT that inexplicably has swinging, old west-style saloon doors.

Woman 1:

Sahrry stranger, but did you just saunter in here and make fun of mah timeless, knee-length wool coat?  Because this here coat’s a classic.  (Angrily breaks mason jar against zinc countertop.  Holds jagged edge to stranger’s throat)

Woman 2:

Was I?  I reckon I was.  You look like a damn fool in that coat– ain’t you heard peter pan collars went out last year?  Mebbe you ain’t heard that. (Angrily breaks own mason jar against a sturdy piece of Williams Sonoma cookware)

Woman 1:

Well let’s get to it, you infinity scarf-wearin’ high-falutin’ piece of garbage.

(They fight mercilessly until both women are injured and bleeding heavily, at which point they call a truce, stop doing the accents, and agree to split the bill for both the ambulance and the dry cleaner.)

 #9. Special Mason Jar Glasses That Allow You to See Other People’s Imperfections

This is a totally perfect rainy day craft for anyone with two small/mid size mason jars, some electrical tape, and a permeating sense of insecurity.  Who knew that Diane whose floor is literally never dirty (and whose husband isn’t emotionally distant) has had an ongoing, tumultuous relationship with her overbearing mother that constantly causes her (Diane) to second guess her own parenting style since she’s never had a stable maternal role model???

Mason jar glasses that allow you to see other people’s imperfections are a great time for the whole family!  This craft will lead to hours of entertainment, reluctant voyeurism, and eventually (maybe?) a mild sense of inner peace.

#10. Read that Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up Book and Immediately Throw All Your Mason Jars Away Because They Don’t ‘Spark Joy.’  

Look at the mason jars.  Turn them over in your hands.  Do you remember why you bought them?  It was to make that adorable string of outdoor candle holders that you were hoping would look just like the photo you saw online even though you know full well they’ll never look like the photo you saw online.  Do you remember the “Woodland Fox Cupcakes” you attempted last month that looked like asymmetrical drunk cats that were bleeding to death?  Everyone else remembers them.  Hold several of the mason jars and say, “In buying you, you fulfilled a need I had and now my need is for you to be in the recycling bin with a bunch of empty raspberry Smirnoff bottles.  Farewell, my sweet, glass princes.

 

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Also, I wrote and illustrated a book that is available for pre-order called Welcome to the Club: 100 Parenting Milestones You Never Saw Coming, that comes out September 20th and is available at “Barnes and Nobleses,” Amazon and IndieBound.  It’s about as expensive as a lunch special and drink at a Thai restaurant (depending on the quality of the Thai restaurant) but please pre-order it for yourself or anyone about to have a baby.  And then if I run into you someday we can have a long conversation about either having babies or eating Thai food, both of which I enjoy to some extent, although if we’re being totally honest getting Thai food is much less stressful.