I am tired of getting advice from total strangers on how to raise a baby.

Last week I was harassed in the 59th street Subway station by a woman on the platform who went on for about ten minutes about all the things I was doing wrong, and how hopefully if I had another kid I would have a second chance to do things her way– aka, the right way.

While I was pregnant people used to warn me that this would happen, but I didn’t really understand it because before you have a kid most people don’t approach you out of nowhere to give you advice.   People don’t just walk right up to childless people and go, “Hey, I have some advice for you!  I’ve been watching you and I think you’re doing a bunch of things wrong!”

Except…

when you have the hiccups.

When you have the hiccups total strangers will come out of the woodwork to give you their hiccup cure advice.

*               *               *

Which is why I have drawn up:

AN ILLUSTRATED VERSION OF WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MIX THOSE PEOPLE WHO GIVE YOU UNSOLICITED ADVICE ABOUT YOUR BABY WITH THOSE PEOPLE WHO GIVE YOU UNSOLICITED ADVICE ABOUT YOUR HICCUPS.

*               *               *

Step. 1

First, you get the hiccups.

Congratulations!  You have the hiccups. 

Next, someone you don’t know shows up and offers to help you get rid of them.

And then someone else…

And then someone else…

And THAT is when a seemingly normal/super aggressive nutjob shows up.

They will give some inane reason as to why you should trust their advice over the advice of other total strangers.

And maybe part of you will go, “Well, they ARE wearing a very expensive, fitted blazer.  Maybe I should at least listen.”

“What?’ you think.  “That sounds like the stupidest thing I have ever heard.”

But they will continually insist that their way of doing things is wonderful.  And sometimes you will start to second guess yourself.  You will say things like, “Well, I guess I want to keep an open mind about things?  Maybe I’ll think about a white horse on a hill for just a few minutes. “

They will insist that their method of curing hiccups is the most valid way because “they read it somewhere.”

And if you do not sufficiently swoon over the fact that their hiccup cure was listed in a book, they will start to quote numerous vague “studies.”

And what’s that now?  You seemed unconvinced by their reference to both their book and their “studies?”  Well you know what that means!  Time to pull out vague, crappy statistics!

And if you do not start nodding and going, “Uh huh, yes of course, white horse on a hill, got it,” they will start to freak out a little that maybe you are not going to listen to them and maybe you are going to keep doing things DIFFERENTLY FROM HOW THEY DO THINGS.

And that’s when suddenly you will look at them, and you will stop hearing whatever they’re saying.  They’ll still be talking.  But all you’ll hear is silence.

And you will say, “Hold on a second.  This person is a total lunatic.  Why I have I bothered listening to a word they’ve said?”

You will picture them being escorted away in handcuffs.

But don’t listen to them.   Surround yourself with people who don’t push their own agendas onto you.

Find people who’ll offer support if you need it, but who think you’re doing a great job on your own.

It’s ok if they’re a little weird.

*               *               *

Enjoy the post?  Like The Ugly Volvo on Facebook.   I try to post once a week.

For anyone upset about my incorrect use of the word “their” when I should have been using “his/her,” I apologize and please see my About Me.  If there is other grammatical stuff I missed, feel free to let me know.  I am not perfect.