So one of the things that made me the most nervous about having a baby was not being able to tell why he was crying. And I read plenty of articles and talked to plenty of experienced mothers who said, “Don’t worry! Your maternal instinct will kick in and you’ll be able to figure out why he’s crying.” And I’m not particularly maternal so I was terrified that it wouldn’t kick in but they assured me, “Once you’ve been around him a while it’s easy to tell what sort of cry it is.”
And it’s been seven months now and they were right! Deciphering a baby’s cries is so, so simple! Here are 10 of the most basic cries with visual and auditory tips on how to easily identify them!
1. HE’S HUNGRY
Your baby is hungry. Feed him. He’ll stop crying.
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2. HE’S TIRED
Your baby is tired. Put him down and let him sleep.
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3. THE GIANTS LOST
Football season? Looks like your baby is a Giants fan. Sorry, little baby. This doesn’t look like it’s going to be their year.
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4. HE JUST WATCHED LES MISERABLES AND GOT UPSET WHEN FANTINE DIED
Your child may be overly sentimental. Keep him away from Lars Von Trier films and the ending to “Marley and Me.”
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5. HIS DIAPER IS DIRTY
This is a pretty common problem. If you have trouble identifying the cry you should have no trouble figuring out the smell.
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6. HE’S NERVOUS GEORGE R.R. MARTIN WON’T FINISH THE GAME OF THRONES NOVELS BEFORE HE DIES AND WE’LL NEVER FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS.
It’s a scary thought, isn’t it? George R.R. Martin keels over from a heart attack and we never learn who wins the battle for the iron throne? I have trouble handling this as an adult– imagine being a baby who can’t even fully process his own emotions?
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7. HE KEEPS LOSING AT JENGA
You’re playing Jenga with him before he’s mastered his fine motor skills? That’s cruel. He can barely put little pieces of puffed cereal in his mouth without poking himself in the eye fifteen times. It’s no wonder he’s upset.
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8. THE BRONCOS LOST
No they didn’t. As of writing this post the Broncos are 5-0. They look like the team to beat this year. Maybe he just had a bad dream.
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9. HE’S UPSET ABOUT ALL THOSE MONTSANTO LAWSUITS
Montsanto won yet another lawsuit? Are they determined to put every small farmer out of business? How could he NOT cry about this sometimes? Although sometimes I think it’s his Montsanto cry and it turns out he’s upset about the Military Industrial complex. No parent is perfect at this all the time, right? Maybe try not to let him watch “Food Inc.” so often.
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10. HE’S STILL UPSET THAT KING’S SPEECH WON THE OSCAR OVER INCEPTION.
Who’s got two thumbs, no teeth, and loves Christopher Nolan movies? THIS GUY. Look, no matter how many times you argue with him that The King’s Speech was a really good movie he’s going to make the same stubborn argument about how Inception was much more inventive and experimental so don’t argue with him. Just soothe him and pat his back and he’ll calm down after a while.
Nice job. See how easy that was? You’re going to be great at this.
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