I like when photos turn out well.  I don’t want to pretend I’m the most laid back person on earth and can always immediately say, “Oh, it’s totally fine!  I didn’t even care about getting a good photo!  Kids will be kids!”  I am decent at constructively dealing with disappointment, but that does not mean I am immune to being disappointed.

As I have a bit of a reputation for going into photo opportunities with high hopes, having my son meet Santa immediately made me think, “Ok– this is his very first Christmas.  What can I do to make sure I get a photo worth mailing out, or, at the very least, worth scanning into the computer and e-mailing to his grandparents as a JPEG file?

And so I talked to– a local Santa.  A really sweet, upbeat Santa was visiting a coffee shop in our neighborhood and he took a few minutes to let me know how to make sure any child’s photos with him go off without a hitch.   That being said, here are:

FIVE QUICK TIPS FOR GETTING THE PERFECT PHOTO WITH SANTA

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1.  Make sure that your entire emotional well-being depends upon this photo being flawless.

This photo being perfect is going to fix anything that has ever been wrong with your life.  Remembering that and keeping it front and center is, hands down, the key to a beautiful, relaxed photo.  Wish you had done better in school?  Feel like a disappointment every time you’re at a family reunion?  Don’t leave that baggage at home:  Condense it, put it in a carry-on, and then give it to your child to hold while he anxiously poses for pictures.  Trust me.  This is nothing if not a winning strategy.

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2.  Dress your children in something uncomfortable that they hate.

Has your child spent the past 11 months clad in jeans and a T-shirt from The Children’s Place that you bought for 3.99 off the sale rack?  Does he happily spend every waking hour in hand-me-downs your neighbor left on your stoop in a garbage bag?  These are rhetorical questions.  To ensure that he’s at ease while nestling into Santa’s lap, be sure to dress him in something stiff and uncomfortable that leaves him constantly scratching.  Starched dress shirts are good.  Bow ties.  For girls, crinoline.  Any outfit that incorporates either stiff lace, tight collars or poison ivy.  If you have a bodysuit made of venomous spiders, it’s ideal as long as the tag says Charter Club or Nautica.

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3.  Be rude or insensitive to the other people waiting in line.

It’s common knowledge that the secret to getting great photographs is exhibiting cruelty/insensitivity to the people around you.  Ansel Adams got some of his best shots after turning toward groups of tourists and yelling, “For the love of God, will you BE QUIET?  I am TRYING to take a picture of this F*%KING NATIONAL PARK.”*

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4.  Refuse to understand why your child isn’t smiling because, “He’s usually so happy.”

Why won’t our children smile on Santa’s lap?  Because we’ve handed them off to an old, weirdly-dressed, total stranger.  Who IS this guy?  As far as the kid’s concerned, we’ve handed him off to someone from the cast of Duck Dynasty.  We should be thrilled when our kids cry on Santa’s lap.  We should feel like we’ve done a good job making them wary of people they don’t know.  There should be a Photo Christmas Card template that says, “Happy Holidays!  (Insert Child’s Name) passed the ‘Stranger Danger’ test!”

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5. If the first few photos are unsatisfactory, belittle the photographer.  THIS WORKS!

Look– we’ve done STUDIES.  And all the pie charts and bar graphs and clinical trials show that verbally-abusing the underpaid, angst-ridden photographer is hands down, the best way to make sure you get natural, beautiful photographs.  Because department store photographers are like Wall Street traders– they do their best work when they’re on edge and riddled with anxiety.  Also, seeing you devaluing another human being helps your children relax and enjoy themselves which (obviously) makes for the sort of serene, elegant photographs that you were hoping for.

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Have a wonderful and relaxing holiday.

*That quote was totally made up.  Ansel Adams seems like a very decent guy, based on my extremely brief reading of his Wikipedia page just now.

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