I was recently in an elevator with my three-year-old son and I became worried that, being only three years of age, he wouldn’t be able (if needed) to reach either the elevator button summoning the fire department or the one that sets off the ear-splitting alarm bell.  LUCKILY, thanks to someone with a keen instinct for elevator design, those buttons were placed way down low where a three-year-old can easily get to them.

Riding elevators with young children is always a joy because it is so much fun when they start hitting all the buttons the second you turn your head/close your eyes/reach into your bag for some sort of noise cancelling headphones or a stale McDonalds apple pie that you tearfully crush into your forehead like a beer can.  It is so unexpected and wonderful when my son manages to get to the easy-to-reach elevator buttons.  They can’t be moved (since it’s important that people in wheelchairs be able to reach the emergency buttons if needed) but in ADDITION to the emergency buttons, here is a list of 9 additional buttons I would love to see installed at a level easily reachable for toddlers.

 

1. Elevator’s ceiling begins descending, slowly crushing everyone in the elevator Indiana Jones-style

This would be a great one!  In addition to installing it low down, consider making it large and red and maybe twice the size of all the other buttons.  Maybe it can be flashing?  You guys need to think outside the box!

2. Elevator explodes instantaneously

What parent wouldn’t be on board with this?  This is like a perfect representation of how the day was going anyway.

3.  Tarantulas spontaneously fly out of the walls

What a great way to force lazy adults to get some exercise.  I don’t know how you are with spiders but I would literally rather walk 45 flights of stairs with a three-year-old than take the chance of anyone hitting this button.

4. Elevator momentarily stops working after man who cannot stop farting gets in

My son must’ve hit this one yesterday and WE ALL OBVIOUSLY KNOW IT WAS YOU, GUY-READING-A-BUZZFEED-ARTICLE-ON-YOUR-SMARTPHONE.  If your article’s so great, here’s a link to “top ten reasons you could’ve waited until you were out of the elevator to let us know you just had Mexican food.”

5. Elevator gives away spoilers to your favorite shows

UGH.  Just hope you wind up in the “He picked Lauren” elevator and not the “Here’s what happened in the Game of Thrones Episode You Missed” elevator.

6.Elevator Connects with Four Other Elevators to Turn into Some Sort of Elevator Voltron

Whatever, right?  It’s not like anything interesting ever happens to you, so why not have your elevator hijacked and turned into an enormous crime-fighting robot?  FORM FEET AND LEGS.  Who cares if you never get to your doctor’s appointment?

7. Elevator becomes stuck for hours as innocuous elevator hold music is replaced by horrifying Kars-4-Kids commercial jingle

WHO PUT THIS BUTTON DOWN LOW WHERE A TODDLER COULD REACH IT??!!??  THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.  I’M AGHAST THAT ANYTHING THIS DANGEROUS WOULD BE ANYWHERE NEAR A YOUNG CHILD.  PLEASE KNOW I’LL BE CIRCULATING A PETITION.

 

8. Elevator remains unchanged but each time this button is pressed Hollywood makes 3 more Batman and/or Spiderman movies

I think the problem with this button is that it’s shaped like the Batman symbol so people get excited and press it hoping Batman will show up and by the time they realize their mistake the studios have already shot 20,000 hours of footage.

 9.  Button that makes a really boring person walk into the elevator and start a conversation with you

Oh for the love of God, no, not Dave with another 30-minute story about his golfbag-shaped skin lesions.  I’m sorry, I just can’t do that twice in one week.  Where’s the button that makes the elevator explode again?  Thanks.

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*Also, I know it’s “you can do anything to which you set your mind” but please, give me a break.