Totally Cute Diaper Bags That Don’t Look Like Diaper Bags

There was a thing I did not know about before I had a baby, which was:

“Diaper bags that do not look like diaper bags.”

Do you know what these are?  I did not.  These are really well-designed, hip diaper bags that look like large designer handbags or tote bags so that while carrying them you still look a little bit stylish.  And who doesn’t want to feel a little bit stylish?  Before I die it is something I hope to experience.

I do not take issue with the bags themselves.  I looked at some of these bags and they were, admittedly, very nice.  A few of them I wanted for myself!  My issue is in the way these bags are marketed– particularly this quote:

Diaper bags that don’t look like diaper bags: “Your secret is safe with these top stylish picks!”

Here was my problem– what exactly is the “secret” that is “safe” with these top stylish picks?  That you have a baby?  Is that the secret?   Yes, you have fooled people by carrying around a cool, stylish diaper bag instead of a normal, frumpy one full of exterior pockets, but do you not also have the baby with you?  Will that not give away everything you have worked so hard to conceal??

According to numerous diaper bag articles I’ve encountered, the most important part of having a baby is looking like you don’t have a baby.

Which is why I’m excited to announce that I have decided to jump on the diaper-bag-that-doesn’t-look-like-a-diaper-bag bandwagon.  I’ve created my own line of timeless, chic diaper bags.  Sling one over your arm and immediately have people saying, “HerShe couldn’t possibly have kids!  She’s obviously a talented young actress waiting for her breakout role as the ingenue in some upcoming Sofia Coppola movie.”

 

Which is why I bring you:

 8 Adorable Diaper Bags That Don’t Look Like Diaper Bags

 

1.  The Vintage Metropolitan Diaper Bag

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Worried people will immediately pigeonhole you as a mom?  Well say hello to the diaper bag that says, “Not only do I not have kids, I spend my disposable income at high-end wine bars and have an unlimited supply of pencil skirts and cute sale-rack Banana Republic tops.  There’s no way this bag is filled with Cheerios and Desitin, OR IS IT?”

 

2.  The Urban Backpacker’s Diaper Bag

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Two side pockets for bottles/sippy cups?  YES.  But don’t freak out!  You won’t look like a mom with this diaper bag.  You’ll look like a totally hip 20-something who just moved here after college and is headed to a cafe with her laptop.  Probably someone will sit down and ask if you want to have a conversation about Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis and if they do, just roll with it. (spoiler alert: it’s about a bug)

 

3.  The Portlandia Messenger Diaper Bagdiaper bags theuglyvolvo 3

Woman with three kids?  No way!  Probably some woman cycling to Powell’s bookstore with a bag full of free-trade organic coffee beans.  No one will ever guess you have children– they’ll notice that you haven’t showered but they’ll assume it’s just a lifestyle choice.

 

4. The Ansel Adams Photography-Lover’s Diaper Bag

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Your secret is TOTALLY safe with the Ansel Adams Photography-Lover’s Diaper bag.  Compact and portable, you’ll look nothing like a mom and everything like a  fresh young photographer overwhelmed by the beauty of everyday life!  Probably people will walk right up to you and go, “Are you a photographer?” and  if you say yes they’ll  follow it up with, “I love photography.  I follow Humans of New York on Facebook!” and if you smile knowingly they will go on to say, “You know what photo I love is that one of all the guys in the 30’s or whatever all eating lunch on that iron beam hanging above a construction site.  Do you know that photo?

YOU ARE KILLING IT SO HARD, YOU MASTER OF DISGUISE!

 

5.  The Used Plastic Grocery Bag Diaper Bag

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Who needs a big pesky nylon diaper bag that screams, “I WEAR HIGH-WAISTED PANTS AND DON’T KNOW WHO SELENA GOMEZ IS DATING BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY CUTTING COUPONS OUT OF THE KOHLS CIRCULAR,” when you could be strolling through the West Village with this hot item in your hands.   No one will know you have kids, they’ll just assume you’re out buying Ramen and an avocado since that’s what you have for dinner probably, right?

 

6.  The Empty Corona Box Diaper Bag

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Who’s got kids?  Not you!  You’re just some lady walking around with an empty Corona box.  You don’t need to explain yourself.

 

7.  The Banana Diaper Clutch

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Not super spacious but more than enough room for a few wipes and a juicebox.  This clutch is perfect for those days when you’re tired of being judged and reprimanded for how you’re raising your children and just want to be seen as, “Some disgruntled woman on the corner of 23rd and Madison holding a banana.”

 

8.  The Small Vase Full of Dried Purple Flowers Diaper Bag

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Nothing will  make you look less frumpily maternal and more like a breathtaking youthful wood nymph  than walking the streets of your town with this totally cute diaper bag designed to look like a white pitcher full of dried flowers.   Totally adorable on its own, but looks even cuter when paired with bare feet and a dress made from the leaves of wild plants.  Added benefit is that if the baby starts crying you can pick him up, bewildered, pretending you found him on the floor of the forest.

 

 

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Enjoy the post?  That is wonderful!   Follow The Ugly Volvo on Facebook or Twitter and I will try to occasionally post funny thoughts or pictures without posting so many that you start to be like, “Ok, we get it.  Enough with the funny thoughts and pictures already.”  Or you can follow the blog by  signing up in the sidebar if that’s a thing you were interested in doing.

Also, this is a humor/satire site so I apologize that none of these diaper bags is actually for sale!  Although if you are really looking to buy one,  I will make exceptions for the plastic grocery bag diaper bag and the one with the birds on it.  The Corona box (so sorry!) we use to store our paper recycling and the banana one (so cute, isn’t it?) I have already eaten.   

 

49 Comments

  1. Tease ;-)

    • I love this. I have a friend who just got a new Michael Kors designer tote and wallet for a push present, since it was going to be her last baby and she didn’t want a “traditional diaper bag.” I was thinking, ‘yeah, have fun wiping poop and spit up off your $800 non-diaper bag.’

      • Please note I’m not being judgmental to anyone who has lovely and expensive taste, I’m just remembering how all those bodily fluids eventually get on everything and how many spilled sippy cups and Desitin splorts have lined my vinyl Fisher Price diaper bag at different points. I’m sure the bag is super duper nice, but I would use it on rare non-baby occasions as a special treat to myself.

  2. Oh my gosh! Hilarious.
    The Queen has been on a quest to acquire the perfect diaper bag for every situation: traveling on a plane, going to the beach, walks around the block, for carrying things upstairs… The Kingdom is only a few days away from getting the new version of the banana diaper clutch… it’s smaller and yellower.

  3. Hahaha I loved this! How much is the corona-box-diaper-bag? I definitely want to look like a drunk instead of a mom.

    On a side note, I own one of those backpack diaper bags that looks like a mini backpack instead of a diaper bag (but it really is a diaper bag.. for MEN). Originally I got it for my boyfriend, because he’s “manly” (something I’m still working on), but then I realized it’s actually a lot better than the normal bulgy diaper bags.

    I’ve also used a plastic bag on several occasions.

  4. This was so funny. I particularly liked the Banana Clutch. Compact and deceptive as it can also contain a meal for the busy Woman on the Go!
    Brilliant :-)

  5. I like the banana one because you can also pretend to be on the phone if your baby tries to trap you in conversation.

  6. Love this. Perhaps you could add to your line “the ironic diaper bag”, which would be A DIAPER ITSELF. It’s got a cute little pouch and velcro straps. Cloth ones will suit the green types. It also has the bonus of coming in different sizes, to suit your particular outing’s needs. Totally functional until you need to actually use the diaper.

  7. I just wanted a bag that wasn’t littered with pictures of bunnies on it. :D

  8. I l

    • Well that’s what my phone wanted me to say. I wanted to say: I love these ideas and all the ones in the comments! Also people really love that picture of the guys eating lunch on the beam! An office I used to work in had it on the wall on at least 2 of their 4 floors (I never went on the other 2, so it could have been there too).

  9. I love the Banana Clutch myself however, if I remember back to the frazzled exhausting days of diaper changes, it is entirely possible that I would have smeared the banana on my baby and eaten a wipe…ughh!!!

  10. I often wonder if I’m the only person with no children who lives for your blog! Absolutely Hilarious!!!!

  11. Avatar

    Sterling Chillico

    #6 got it! I’ll remember! I bet I can even get you the clutch version too (read 6 pack)

  12. Haha I love everything this woman writes

  13. Lovely post, as ever, clever lady! :-)

  14. I’m looking for the diaper bag that also conceals the baby – maybe one of those ginormous sling things I could never figure out how to put on without dropping the baby on her head – but with a cup holder…for me not the baby

  15. I got so interested…and jealous…but then looked at the pics and laughed my ass off…thanks! Hahaha

  16. This is HILARIOUS!!! Great post.

  17. I found mid-second baby that an ll bean bookbag works just as well as a diaper bag, doesn’t fall of your shoulder when you carry it, can be used for years to come and has the added benefit of allowing you to trick people into thinking you’re just a middle school boy who happens to be carrying around a baby.

  18. Another brilliant approach to the realities of a life with a family and a baby and heaven only knows what else will come up today. Thank you…you always make me smile!

  19. Happy birthday!

    (I’m in Germany. It’s already the 16th here. Either that, or I’m a time traveler.)

    I used to read you on LJ back when puppies were the oldest animals, and I only just recently noticed your post there that says you’re writing over here. I’m very happy to see that you’re still writing stuff. Cheers!

    • thanks! And glad you found me…I’ve actually heard from a lot of old LJ people which has been really neat. cheers back :)

      • Another former LJ-reader here! Though funnily I did not find this blog through LJ but through a random acquaintance on FB who shared one of your posts…and me: “OMG Theuglyvolvo is famous!”. You are hilarious as always.

  20. Best thing about using a back pack as a diaper bag? When the kid starts moving they can carry their own stuff. We bought a mini back pack for my daughter’s stuff as soon as she was mobile. She has grown up knowing to only take what she will carry – because mom is not a pack mule!

    Also, how much is the Portlandia diaper bag? ;)

  21. This is hilarious. No question. It’s also some subtly terrifying social commentary. We are supposed to be all mother. Or all not mother. Can’t we just be something in the middle. No wonder motherhood is so f’ing confusing.

  22. Reblogged this on I think.. and commented:
    A must read for all ye fashionista moms out there…

  23. You made me laugh so hard with this post!

  24. Funtastic

  25. Haha! This is so great! :D

  26. I often go back and reread the What to Serve for Dinner post right before swiping peanut butter on leftover Naan or dumping baby food carrots into pancake mix because my child hasn’t had a vegetable in two years, and now I shall snort/laugh every time I see a bag of any kind. Thank you for adding laughter to my day.

  27. Avatar

    about100percent

    How I wish I had known about the Corona Box diaper bag when I had babies! My diaper bag had Winnie-the-Pooh on it. I looked like such a moron carrying that around.

  28. Brilliant! :)
    I love the multi-use aspect of the corona box nappy bag – the beer helps you conceive and then the box is a secret diaper bag!

  29. So hilarious! The plastic bag is my personal favourite. Although the Small Vase Full of Dried Purple Flowers Diaper Bag is a very good disguise for not looking like a mother….whew, our secrets are safe with your clever ideas! Geez, to go around looking like the mothers we are…shame on us! =)

  30. I just live for your blogs, UV! My day brightens up just at the sight of a new post by you!
    My son had a bit of a problem finding a Manly Diaper Bag. He wound up with a pink diaper bag, BUT it had brown flowers on it. Really ugly, but quite macho. (BTW, he read your post. He said he’d never get caught dead with a Corona box diaper bag. Corona is for sissies, he said. Coors all the way.)
    This reminds me of when I was wandering around pregnant through a good part of the 80’s. With my first pregnancy I tried to find maternity clothes at an Official Maternity Store. I was aghast at the selection. EVERYTHING in the store was baby-doll-like, cute sailor shirts with ribbons and bows and puppies and kittens. I thought, “What IS this?” Why does this selection suck so bad?”
    Then it hit me. Sex is Evil. If I wore something a two-year old would wear PEOPLE WOULD NEVER KNOW HOW I GOT PREGNANT! I wondered if I should change my name to ‘Mary’ for the duration.
    I finally wound up at Goodwill where I got my kind of funky, that 70’s girl, NORMAL kinds of clothes, only in the large and XX large section.

  31. I adore your blog! You are really funny, and I always enjoy everything you post. Keep up the awesome work!

  32. I generally use the I-couldn’t-find-the-real-diaper-bag-when-heading-out-the-door-and-grabbed-a-random-sack-to-stuff-a-diaper-in diaper bag. It usually ends up being one of our canvas grocery bags. We accidentally surprised a sacker at the store the other week.

  33. […] Link: Totally Cute Diaper Bags That Don't Look Like … – The Ugly Volvo […]

  34. Hilarious :))

  35. Hahaha! Hilarious post! I specially like the plastic bag diaper bag.

  36. Hilarious TUV! Just visiting from Journeys of the Fabulist where Sasha recommended your blog. Love the Corona beer box diaper bag. I was watching a Canadian TV show the other night called Border Security which shows actual people trying to gain entry into Canada. One sweet American family accidently took the wrong road and ended up at the border where their possessions were searched and the sweet little mother had a 9 millimeter pistol with a 15 round clip and a bullet in the chamber, at the bottom of her diaper bag. They were just turned around and sent back but my question is : Do any of the above fancy diaper bags have a concealed holster inside? It strikes me as safer than having a 9 mm loose in the bottom.

  37. […] got the idea for this post from one of my favourite Blogs called The Ugly Volvo where she did a great exposé on diaper bags.  Just becaue I gave you the link doesn’t mean […]

  38. i like your blog you are so funny ha ha ha banana diaper clutch

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